Friday, August 21, 2009

Should be

preparing to send our first son to kindergarten this year.  A few years ago I knew this year was coming and mentally prepared myself for it.  Then I "forgot."  Harris' 5th birthday rolled around and like each birthday it's the most painful day of my life.  Every year, January 14-excruciatingly painful.  No matter how hard I try to not let it be.  Each year I say it's so hard because he would be doing this, should be doing this.  This year, in a few days, he would be going to kindergarten.  It nailed me about two weeks ago in Petsmart.  It's one of those things that will grab you by the throat and won't let go.  It's not as if a day goes by I don't think of Harris, it's just many days I envision him in Heaven with God and so many of our other loved ones that I know he's in a much much better place so I don't get slammed so hard.  I ran into the teacher who graciously took my classroom when I had Nathan.  If you haven't seen Nathan or don't know him, he's larger than life.  And I mean that in several ways.  But for this reference I mean, taller than your average four year old.  Liz said, "So, you're heading to kindergarten this fall?"  BAM!  Each time I get nailed by the reminder I can honestly feel the light in my eyes dimming.  I'm sure others can't see it, but I feel myself shutting down.  Liz probably thought I was blowing her off or being rude or just an idiot, but I simply said in rapid speed, "No, Nathan's heading to preschool at SMC.  We're very excited, he can't wait.  I've got to go.  Great running into you.  You look fabulous.  Have a great year." Then I came home and was pretty much useless for the rest of the day.  

Jim's learned in five and a half years (gulp) that I'm having a Harris moment/day/week/month and I need space/love/cuddling/chocolate/not to cook/to bake, whatever it takes to get me through it.  However most of the time neither of us knows how to get me through it other than time, the love of each other, our precious boys here on earth and tons of praying.  We normally wait until the boys are asleep to talk about.  The boys know all about their special angel.  Nathan knows that chances are if Mommy's sad it's because she's missing Harris.  He's so great about giving me the pep talk: "Mommy, Harris is with God, I know you miss him, I miss him, too.  But he's having a good time with God and we'll see him one day.  I love you, Mommy."  Followed by lots of love.  Brady's version: "Mommy, why are you crying?"  Then attacking me in some form!  But we avoid talking about him when I've been nailed because we don't want them to feel any more oppressed about it.  I can remember that feeling as a child-the entire month of December was awful at my house and we try so very hard to not do that in January for the boys.  

Anyway, on this night, we get in bed and Jim asks me how I'm doing.  I lose it.  I tell him we are supposed to be getting ready for school, buying gobs and gobs of school supplies (I cannot wait for this, I LOVE new school supplies-I think that's one of the reasons I became a teacher), new clothes, meeting the teacher, and preparing to send our first child to school.  This is where Jim and I truly speak pink and blue.  That was a message Bob did in the fall-men speak blue, women speak pink; finding violet is so hard sometimes!  Maybe it's not even pink and blue, maybe it's just me.  He doesn't think about what all could have been, he doesn't allow himself to.  Meanwhile I'm running into people or reading facebook posts about people sending their kids to kindergarten and becoming a mess right before their eyes.  Part of me is insanely jealous of Jim's ability to do what he does with his emotions, however, there's something in me that's not willing to let the "should be" go.  Since Harris and Nathan are only 11 months apart I can easily know that the class before Nathan's would be his class, those kids have their license, so should he, those kids are going to prom, so should he. 

Our first son should be going to kindergarten Tuesday, instead he's dancing with angels.


  1. Praying for you and love you! Let's get together soon.

  2. Thank you for your honesty. It is heartbreaking yet somehow still uplifting.
    Love you.