would you want them back?" ~ Tony Dungee
Yes, in a selfish heartbeat I would. But then I think about how awesome Heaven is and no, sweet baby, enjoy Heaven, I'll be there one day. We'll all be there together for eternity. This life here is short, so short compared to where you are.
I wish I could write with something witty or fun or happy since I know my last post wasn't. Of course there have been some fun times here, I have two amazing kids. But I am heavily burdened by recent news and I've learned that by getting it out (unfortunately to you who read this) I am eased somewhat by that burden.
My sister called me yesterday afternoon, you know the first day of school I was dreading, to give me some awful news. I knew it was bad when I realized my sister, Candi, was calling me in the middle of the first day of school. At first I thought, is it our other sister, our parents, her husband or children? No, her best friend, Lindsay's four month old son, Ayden, died in his sleep while at daycare. Lindsay and her husband, Jeremy, are both teachers so they were having their first day of school, too. I know they will never have a first day of school again without remembering this one. They got a call from the sitter that Ayden wouldn't wake up, she had called 911 and they couldn't help him. FOUR months old. Here's where you say I can't imagine and honestly I can't. I can't imagine having my sons for four months, four years, forever and losing them. I had Harris for 9 months, sent him to Heaven and haven't been the same person since. Yet I cannot imagine completely what Lindsay and Jeremy are going through. My sister asked for advice, what to say. I said not to say anything. You wouldn't believe some of the things people will say thinking they mean well not realizing how hurtful they are. Hugs and simply being there, talking about him are the greatest gifts. I've only met them once, just before Lindsay had Ayden. We were at my niece's 3rd birthday party, she was so ready and excited to have him. She is such a sweet person.
My sister is absolutely crushed. I cry out to God in pain, "How often does one person have to suffer? And why so much at once?" My sister is so strong, so amazing, so loving, so giving and one of the greatest people I know. That's why I'm asking God why she's having to suffer and be in death's face so much. One of the things I vividly remember from Harris' death (thankfully I'm very forgetful so some things I've forgotten other things I remember as if they happen yesterday) is the faces of our family and friends when they came to visit. Candi's is one of those faces that will not escape my memory. The heartache she suffered for me, my loss and her loss of a nephew, too, was unbearable and clearly visible in her beautiful eyes. She drove so quickly from Henderson to Burlington and hardly ever left my side. There were so many things she did for me. So many things I cannot even tell you about because I wasn't even aware of them. She took note of every person who visited, everything they brought, wrote thank you notes, handled just about every detail of the funeral-all while grieving. On the day of his funeral she fixed my hair for me, it was one of those things I simply couldn't do for myself. She took great care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. She wasn't alone in caring for me, there were countless others and hordes praying for us. But right now, Candi has been through so much. Two months ago today Ma Tuck went to heaven followed by Mr. Tucker's brother the next week. Then Candi's big old cat. Please pray for Lindsay and Jeremy. Please pray for my sister Candi as she takes care of her friend.
I serve a big, mighty, awesome God. He promises to never leave us, nor forsake us. He reminds us to not be afraid for He is with us. He gives us eternal HOPE. I hold onto Him during these times, I cry out to Him in anger and frustration-He can handle it. I praise Him still for my gifts from God, for the thousands of blessings He pours out on my life. I hold onto the HOPE that can only come from HIM.
He offered that reminder of His promises and His hope for my life today when I got a text from Sarah (aka Fafa) Apel. She was our Angel Nurse when Harris was born. She took such great care of us. She even came to his funeral. We became great friends. When Nathan & Brady were born she was such a big part of their births and has been a part of their lives ever since. Her text this morning "We're in labor! Will text back when he makes his grand entrance!!" at 9:44 am. I started praying. Then I realized I was still mad at God. You know how when you're mad at someone you don't want to ask them for something? That's how I was. I told God that. That I needed to talk to Him about Fafa & baby Will but I was a still upset about Ayden. I know He's upset about Ayden, too, but sometimes the one-sided conversations with God are difficult. I asked Nathan to pray for Fafa and baby Will. It was the sweetest thing in the world. I got a picture text at 2:33pm with a sweet Will being held by his beautiful mommy. God is good, guys. God offers hope. God is good all the time. I pray Fafa and Josh are resting peacefully with baby Will tonight.
I pray Lindsay and Jeremy are finding comfort in their Father's hands and in the loving arms of those closest to them.
Thanks for letting me share my heart's burdens. Thank you for praying for these people-Lindsay, Jeremy, Candi, Josh, Sarah and baby Will. May God be with each of you and may you hold your gfGs a little tighter.
gfG=gifts from God, mine are Nathan, Brady and Jim
Here's a video from the Celebration for baby Ayden-have your tissues and someone to hug handy: