Thursday, October 22, 2009

A sign?

One year ago today we were quietly grateful Brady made it through a somewhat elective surgery to correct a birth defect. I say somewhat because it wasn't life threatening, but it could have affected him in all sorts of ways later on. We went ahead with it, trusting our doctors because we believe they have the knowledge and know what's best for our children when it comes to medical decisions. He had some pretty disturbing complications from it weeks later that lasted for quite some time. For months following the surgery we questioned whether we had made the right decision in going through with this somewhat elective surgery. Now, a year later, everything's fine. If we had to do it again, would we? I don't know. We'd probably weigh our options out again heavily and chances are, we would do it. Knowing that in the end, he turned out okay. In fact, he doesn't remember any of it. Jim and I are the only ones who seem "scarred" by it.

Is this a sign? Does this mean that God is telling us to go ahead and listen to the doctor with botox treatments, trust his wisdom and expertise? It just seems like it comes at the right time. Or is it a sign of us questioning those months after where things were such a struggle for us. It was more of a heartache for our son than an actual physical struggle. If we go through with the botox it will be a physical struggle for all of us.

Needless to say we haven't made a decision yet. We're at a complete standstill of indecision. I have trouble deciding where to eat lunch, what to wear, even picking out shoes for the boys is painful. Geez, Jim decided the color theme for our wedding because I couldn't. His favorite colors are orange and green. My bridesmaids are eternally grateful he went with hunter green! Although you know I'd probably choose orange if it were to happen right now! :) I thought I was getting better for a while. I was becoming a decision making adult, a married woman who had a great job who could make decisions and had a voice. Then I had children and suddenly I became afraid to make decisions. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I fed them the wrong foods, bought the wrong brand of diapers, make the wrong medical decisions? I look back at some of the poor (bad, wrong) decisions I've made in my life and doubt my ability to make any good decisions. And sadly I've passed that indecisive gene onto Nathan. The last time we were picking out shoes for him we had to call Jim to ask his opinion on which ones to get. Seriously? Two children and a mom couldn't pick out a pair of shoes for a four year old? Then there's the fear of making a decision and hurting someone's feelings or choosing something you don't like. What if I choose Mexican and you wanted Italian? I have that fear of letting others down, you know. That leads into not being able to make decisions.

As we were walking tonight the boys wanted to race Jim and Kodi home. Nathan and Brady kept looking back to see how far Jim was pretending to stay behind. I told them both to never look back, to always look forward. That looking back never gets you anywhere and it slows you down. Keep looking forward. Hmm, at the time I thought it was brilliant. Now, I'm thinking not so brilliant. We have to look back; leave the past behind us. But use it to grow and learn and trust in God's plan for our lives. Use it to show His provisions for us. Use it to remind us of His love for us and how He has held us in the palm of His hand and carried us.

We'll make a decision soon, it's important we do before Nathan becomes a real giant. We cherish your prayers as we learn to discern and as I do my best to make decisions. Just beware of asking me out to lunch-know where you're going because I'm not going to decide!

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