Nathan and Brady

Fill My Cup

2011-09-10T21:21:00.000-04:00

Jim drinks coffee like an addict. I joke that his blood has been replaced by coffee. If he were ever in an emergency, they wouldn’t ask blood type, they would ask decaf or regular. I would respond with Dunkin Donuts Hazelnut Full Strength-Black as his life source. I’ve known this since our first date when his cup of java kept my hands warm. I don’t touch the stuff. Can’t stomach it. I had to take some medicine with cold coffee once as a child on the way to school and haven’t gotten over the effects. So I’ve used Jim’s coffee as a hand warmer and house scenter since our first days together.

For our first anniversary we went to Seagrove, the pottery capital of the world (or maybe just the south). It’s a great town just outside of Asheboro. The weekend before Thanksgiving there’s a pottery festival where area potters display their wares in one of the school’s gyms. There are potters on the school grounds, some throwing, some firing right there. It’s really awesome seeing all of these goods that are made by hand. The talent here is simply amazing. They make it look so easy to throw clay onto a wheel and create beautiful vessels. And useful ones at that!

We were on the search for lots of things that weekend. The most important thing was a coffee cup for Jim. He wanted one that his hand could slide through the handle and hold the mug. I liked the idea for warming my hands. We tried countless. We went to many potter’s stores, even some of their homes in search of the perfect fit. Just as we were leaving the last night, right as it was getting dark, we stopped into Lufkin Pottery. It’s one of the last ones on Highway 220. A husband and wife greeted us and pointed us to the mugs. Jim found THE mug and picked up two to be on the safe side. Coffee mug bliss.

He began using the mugs daily, often not washing them. It was as if they needed a coffee patina. Gross, I know, but I didn’t use them. Enter our precious children. One day Brady was being helpful and tried carrying one of THE mugs into the kitchen for Jim. It broke. Brady was crushed, Jim was crushed and part of me was crushed. We had to remember and teach Brady that it was a material thing and we were all okay. About two or three weeks ago Jim opened the sacred coffee cabinet to start making his brew. Something fell out of the cabinet and dropped on the mug. It fell on the last mug at just the right angle to break it. We were really crushed this time. Our last mug. Just months away from celebrating its ninth year with us. I put it in my noggin to get in touch with the potter to buy another, but was planning it for our anniversary.

Apparently THE mug couldn’t wait a few months. This morning Jim woke up and said, “I was thinking today would be a good day to go to the zoo.” Okay, we have a membership thanks to my sister making it a great, free family day. We were just getting on the interstate when I look at Jim and say, “Hey, why don’t we head to Seagrove...” As he then proceeds to finish my sentence “...and go to Lufkin to get a new mug.” I love that we are SOMETIMES so connected. It sure beats when he’s speaking blue and I’m screaming PINK.

We detoured the family fun trip to Lufkin before heading to the zoo. Surprisingly the boys were excited about it. Nathan asked if he could make something (I had made a bowl on our anniversary trip) and we said we were just getting a mug. God, thanks for taking care of every little detail.

We got misdirected (thanks Google maps) and called Lufkin Pottery. They so kindly directed us right to their front door. Literally, their house is next door to their shop. We were greeted by two little dogs and a hidden barking dog. A few minutes later Sally Lufkin Saylor entered. She is not only a very talented artist, but a deLIGHTful person. She immediately guessed the boys ages and talked with them. She allowed us to walk around the corner to meet the barker and her three three-week old babies. OH MY GOSH, pure sweetness. We talked, Jim picked out mugs. Sally made hand plates with the boys (yes, Nathan did get to make something today) and I sat in a rocking chair holding a dog cherishing the day with my family. It was one of those moments in time where I envision God looking down at His children and smiling. I can’t even put the day into adequate words. Jim paid for his mugs and Sally’s husband Don looked at us and said, “I want to do something for you guys. God has just placed it on my heart.” He showed us a Witness Crock. Something Sally makes and sells in the shop. I had looked at it when we entered and briefly read about it, but when Don read key parts (or maybe my heart only heard key parts) tears started flowing from my eyes.

Witness Crock

We have all been made by the Potter
He has made each of us beautiful vases, crocks, pitchers
or whatever shapes He has chosen.
But, beauty needs to come from within
One side is the perfect side we wish we were.
Someone who has gone through life without any hurts.
Now see the cracks, the smalls slits, the holes and the dents.
The is the mental or verbal abuse we endured.
This is the divorce.
This crack is the death we did not understand that wounded us so badly.
The devil says, “What good are you, you cannot even hold water.
You have been rejected so much. Who would want you?
God loves you and wants you.
When you yield to Jesus, you will never be lost and alone again.
When you accept Jesus, you become part of a family
that will love you, stand beside you and teach you.

Now watch the miracle of God’s love as a candle is lit.
God’s love shines through the cracks and holes.
His love for us is a protection that nothing can ever hurt us as badly, again.
He wants our love to shine through the cracks
and reach a lost world that feels they are too broken
to be loved by such a wonderful God.
Tell your healing. Tell the love you have felt.
Let God’s love shine through you to reach His lost children.
May this crock be a tool in your witnessing.
May God bless you in your journey.
~Sally Lufkin Saylor

I know that God doesn’t make a mistake and planned this day and our visit for this purpose. He put this couple in our lives nine years ago and again today to be His light. I’ll admit that my light has been dimming. My light was wavering. Others may have seen it shining, but it wasn’t keeping me warm. Have you ever felt yourself shining for others but not for yourself? That’s what I was doing. One hour this afternoon in Seagrove, my light was relit and my soul restored through these words and their caring. I don’t know how to respond to them. So much love in such a short amount of time. Even if we didn’t have to return in a few weeks to pick up the hand plates or return to shop seeing them in Heaven will be a joyous event. We’ll probably have to go without the boys because Nathan has cried himself to sleep over those puppies. It was his first time holding a puppy and he really wanted to bring one home. Way too early for bringing one home and we’re so not ready for one now. Kodi would throw himself into traffic.

Today we went in search of a cup. We came home with two and my cup was filled to overflowing. God is so good.

Honored and Blessed

2011-08-03T17:18:00.001-04:00

I have some pretty amazing friends. However, I always doubt my value in their lives. I mean, I know how much I think of them, but do they think the same about me? Do they want me to be closer because I know I tend to remain a bit distant, saves hurt feelings, you know?! And how do you step from friendship to family?

My bestest Aimee and I did that pretty quickly. Her family adopted me freshman year at Elon and they haven't been able to get rid of me since. Being blessed with them in my life is something I dare not attempt to put into words!

I have a friend, Nikki. I met her two years ago when she and her husband, Matt, moved here from Maryland to join our Family Ministry Team at church. I literally met them as they were moving in, I think I beat the moving van. I had picked up some pizzas for the crew to eat so I might as well help them move a few things in. I'm guessing a stranger grabbing your couch cushions connects your hearts for life!

Over the past two years, Nikki and Matt have adopted the boys, even spoiling them with a late night at Krispy Kreme with chocolate milk and sugary doughnuts. Needless to say, our boys were quickly in love with this couple willing to love them and spoil them. They've watched the boys several times and I don't know who has more fun, Nathan and Brady or Matt!!

This weekend I was honored to bring their bags to the hospital for them to welcome their first born, soon to be spoiled rotten, gift from God into the world. I was hopefully optimistic I would get to stay, but completely expected to drop the bags and run on home. When I wasn't kicked out (perhaps offering a back rub won them over) I did the happy dance inside. See, I missed the chance to labor much myself and my sister vetoed anyone being in the room with her. Being in on the action this time was better than being a bridesmaid, I didn't even have to dress up! Sweet Nikki labored all night then had a c-section so Jude could come out right then (yes, I was that impatient and no I didn't tip the docs to do it)! Being there right when he was born and hearing him protest being out of the warm, dark womb was magical. I honestly can't do justice with my words.

Beyond being honored to share in such an amazing moment with this family, I was able to be in Jim's shoes for the deliveries of our children. He had to wait outside the OR for Harris to be born and that was an ugly experience all around for him. He dressed up in a space suit for Nathan and Brady's deliveries and was super-d-duper excited to watch every aspect of their births. He loves to say he's seen me from the inside out. Only he would look that hard!! I felt a large amount of what he must have gone through while he waited to become a father. The hours spent in the hospital waiting and waiting and waiting were tedious. Jim and I were blessed with going in and getting babies out within minutes or an hour for ours. We didn't have to wait, yet I know the moments we were apart and waiting for the babies to come out had to have been the most gut-wrenching in the world.

Coming home Sunday morning to my family made me realize, again, how very priceless they are to me. I relieved pretty much all of my Harris laboring experience that day, but celebrated with a happy ending. Knowing Jim was home praying for me and them as he is always my solid anchor allowed me to get through it. Of course, some special nurses helped, too! As I returned to the land of the living I don't know the last time I've been more thankful for my husband. For what he went through for us to have the boys or as he lifted me up and cared for me all weekend.

I have been honored by friends and blessed by Jim and God. What more could this mom ask for?

Oh yeah, Nathan and Brady are in love with Jude already! We're already trying to figure out how to sneak him away!! And we're so ready for him to be able to eat his first Krispy Kreme!

What's in a name?

2011-07-25T09:15:00.000-04:00

Our church is in the midst of our summer series. This year’s theme is the many names of God. Each pastor chooses a name and speaks on how that name rings true for us using biblical examples. During yesterday’s message I was pulled into thinking of one of my favorite names for God, Abba Father.

Every pastor has discussed their own names or their offspring’s name. My name is Bridget Shea, I was supposed to be Bradford Stuart III. Being the fourth and final girl proved that the Harris line wasn’t going to continue so my parents wanted to keep the BS going if nothing else. For a while my family called me Bridget until my mom overheard me being called “Bridget the Midget” and a neighbor named their child Bridget. By two I was known as Shea to all but my grandmother who couldn’t quite get me as Shea. My mom didn’t consider the name calling that would come from that as I was soon called “Shea, the horse’s hay.” And later on have been called Shea Stadium, Shea Butter and my favorite, Sheabee. My name is significant to me because it was well thought out in a family with names like Trilbie, Tysh, Gail Cannon, and Virginia Caroline. I wonder what I would have become if my parents didn’t want me to be BS.

My childrens’ names are of equal import. Our first, Harris Michael, was to carry on my maiden name and my husband’s father’s name. It was a beautiful name that I envisioned on important documents and can’t tell you how many times I wrote it out in those months of knowing who he would be! Our second, Nathaniel James, is our “gift from God” as his name means and James continues the legacy of my husband while being a favorite Bible book. Bradford Ellis, our final gift, is keeping on the Bradford-a name I treasure and have high hopes for. Ellis was not only my sister’s middle name, but my grandmother’s maiden name. Obviously a lot of thought went into these names and I feel that each child wears their name as designed.

During a mission trip in high school I heard God referred to as Abba Father for the first time. This name struck me and has always had an impact on me, every time I hear it. At the time my “Diddy” hung the moon. My parents were divorced and I lived at home with my dad, taking care of household duties. Everything from laundry to cooking meals and cleaning. My dad and I had a great relationship and because of his love for me, my sisters and even still my mom, I thought he defined love. After hearing about my Abba Father I had to reconsider it. In fact, during an interview for Teaching Fellows, I was asked to define love. I shared about my dad’s devotion and amazing love for all of us. The interviewer asked me about God’s love and how he was surprised I didn’t use His love as my definition. I was taken aback. Being seventeen and taking baby faith steps had not taken me this far. I shared how my earthly father showed me the love of my Heavenly Father. At that moment I realized just how blessed I was. I had the love of my Abba Father living with me every day.

The phrase "Abba, Father" appears three times in Scripture. In Mark 14:36, Jesus said, "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me, nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will." In Romans 8:15, "You did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, ‘Abba, Father'." And again, in Galatians 4:6, "Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into your hearts, crying out, ‘Abba, Father'."

I call my dad “Diddy.” I don’t know when it started, but I knew he had embraced it when he signed a birthday card, “Love, Diddy.” Some people call their dad Pops, Papa, Daddeo or even just Da as one of the first sounds to come out of a babe’s mouth. There’s an intimacy that comes from calling someone something other than their name. If you met my dad, you would call him Stuart, if you’re his grandchild, you would call him Papa Stu (or Papa Dew at first) and if you have the pleasure of being his youngest daughter, you would call him Diddy. If you’re a really close friend of mine, you would call me Sheabee. A nickname my sister gave me, normally prefaced with Baby-Baby Sheabee was not how I wanted her college friends to know me. Yet, they do. If you call me Sheabee then chances are you know too much about me and must remain my friend!

The word Abba simply means father. Each time it is used in the Bible, it is followed by the Greek word, pater, which means father. Calling God, Abba, brings His great love for us right into our hearts. I imagine it as a child’s first word. When simple sounds are what we long to hear. The simple, yet, intimate name of Abba is what our Father longs to hear. Saying Abba Father allows us to have a child-like love of our Father, much like Diddy while Father allows us to have an understanding of who He is and our relationship to Him. Connecting Abba with Father allows us to have an emotional and intellectual understanding of our relationship.

When Jesus cries out to his Abba Father asking for His will in His life, we are humbly brought to our knees by the relationship they have. You wouldn’t call my dad Diddy, you would call him Stuart or Mr. Harris. You don’t have the relationship with him I do. But you can have the relationship with God Jesus does. You are His child, you are called to be intimate with Him and constantly aware of Him. He wants you to reach out to Him and call Him your Abba Father.

It can't be bought

2010-12-27T20:26:00.000-05:00

I'll confess I've been struggling with something this Christmas season. It tends to strike me every year and it takes a while for me to knock it back and keep going. I thought it would help this year to write it on out of my system and move on.

My kids got three gifts each this year from us. Two of Nathan's were books, the other a sweatshirt I grabbed for $10 at the Gap outlet. He was in love with all of them. Brady got a book, a sweatshirt and some moon dough. Both boys loved the moon dough and I'm still having mean thoughts about the product. Those gifts were from us, not from Santa. We don't do Santa. Jim and I decided when Nathan was not even a month old that we would not do the Santa deal. We didn't want to lie to him. When he was old enough to understand things, we talked to him about St. Nicholas. We told him about a generous man who gave gifts. We told him about the first gifts given for Christ's birth from the wisemen and the many gifts that followed. He was super cool about it. When we saw Santa at the mall, Nathan would smile at us and acknowledge the character knowing the truth. Brady was taught the same thing once he was old enough to understand. He is still a bit confused, wondering why EVERYONE in the world asks him what Santa's bringing him for Christmas. His response of nothing confuses them. It will get easier, I know. And in the long run, my children will grow up knowing the real reason we celebrate Christmas. God sent His one and only Son down to earth. Jesus left the splendor and majesty of Heaven to be our Saviour. Do we really need another gift after receiving this One?

This is where I struggle. I want more gifts for my children. I look at pictures on facebook of friends with overflowing presents for their children. I hear people talking about buying more for their children because they don't have enough already. Let me say now there is NOTHING wrong with doing this if you can afford it. I see it on television where I'm encouraged to buy more and "make their dreams come true." But I still don't do it. Last year I did go more overboard than ever before. I went to Target and picked up "just a few more things." After filling up my cart, wrapping it all and waiting for the big day, those few more things were discarded within a few days. Some are broken, some are so annoying the batteries mysteriously died after a day or two, some have already been donated to others. In less than a year, all those things that I thought my children needed have been put aside for what? I really don't know. They return to the same things all the time. They play with their cars, they color or do crafts, they read, they build things with their tools, they drive me up the wall sometimes. Oh, that's not a toy, but that is what they do with their time. Now that Nathan is in school he doesn't have as much playtime as Brady. I know in future years the time crunch will be even more intense.

So this year, the sweatshirts will be worn, the books (including a chapter book) have already been read and the moon dough has been splattered all over the kitchen floor and Kodi's fur. My children will know that we loved them enough to not give them everything Target and ToysRUs sells, but to give them honesty, unfailing love, always open arms and our time. Our time, that is priceless, because one of the reasons we don't go overboard is financial. We chose moments after finding out Nathan was growing inside me that I would not go back to work full time after he was born. I had missed a lifetime of firsts with Harris and wasn't about to do it again. Making that decision has meant staying in our townhouse, driving older cars, wearing older clothes, menu-planning, budgets and all that comes with one full-time and one part-time income. But with a smaller income comes time that can't be bought. Just another blessing.

And just for the record, the boys are blessed with gifts from others who love to spoil them. :)

I get down, He lifts me up

2010-12-03T23:40:00.003-05:00

Nathan falls, a lot. Brady falls, a lot. Jim falls, not so much anymore. :)

This is our life. It is not unusual to pick up more than one child at a time from a fall. We call them 2-for-1s. They have an uncanny tendency to be Dominoes around each other. They fall when they are running, walking, jumping, hopping, and sometimes, off the couch! The last one is just because they are a bit goofy! You wouldn't believe the dirty looks we've gotten while out shopping when the boys fall and we keep going. Negligence written all over them. From the beginning of their first steps and first falls, we've laughed them off. What's the point in getting worked up or upset over a fall? As little people they have less distance to go so the fall's not that bad.

Now, however, Nathan is just at four feet tall, weighing in over sixty pounds. And he'll be six on the 7th of December. It's starting to be a bigger fall. Giants fall harder, you know. Again, we take it lightly. We can tell by the look on his face after a fall whether we need to intervene or allow him to work it out himself. He's pretty amazing. I'd be a big ball of tears if I fell that much. I do trip a lot and have some falls myself. Clumsiness marrying HSP wasn't the best plan...ah, love.

That brings us to Kindergarten. We're loving Nathan's school and his teachers and the environment. But just about every time I go into the building someone, the guidance counselor, the janitor, the teacher, someone shares their concerns about his falling. I appreciate those concerns. That means they are looking out for my child. But no one is content with the answer that this is what they do. They fall, a lot some days. Especially cold days. I respond as nicely as possible yet I do wish they would know that if there was something better we could do to help Nathan (or Brady) we wouldn't hesitate for anything. I think it's pretty clear I would rope the moon for the men in my life. There, I've needed to get that off my chest for some time now. Thanks!

I read a friend's blog today where she had fallen and hurt her ankle. She said it was a reminder from God to rest and take it easy. I've decided to use every fall in our family to praise Him. I have incredible gifts from God who fall and I'm going to praise Him for them everyday, with every fall.

"I get down, He lifts me up. I get down, He lifts me up, I get down, He lifts me up!"

I'll love you anyway

2010-12-02T23:39:00.000-05:00

Over Thanksgiving the boys spent some time with a family friend. They knew she was coming ahead of time and were so excited to have someone kinda new visit with us. They didn't know a thing about her, just that she was coming.

Our friend has cerebral palsy. She uses a walker, sometimes a wheelchair and wears AFOs like them. She doesn't communicate as well as others her age. She has a hard time eating with the manners we expect. She has quite a few challenges she's fighting to overcome.

My boys didn't see any of those things. My boys saw another friend in our house. They welcomed her and included her, or at least tried, in everything they did. Even going upstairs to play in their bedrooms. They didn't ask me why she does this or why she can't do that. They accepted her for her. And they can't wait to see her again!

It made me so very proud of them. And it reminded me of the times I see people who are different than me and I wonder about them. I thought of being that new kid in a group or walking into a group of new people for the first time and how painful it is. Since having the boys, I don't like the idea of walking into new places without them. Even going to the grocery store by myself is strange, it's hard to explain the exuberant counting of fruits and veggies when you're by yourself. Anyway, I thought of how God calls us to love everyone. Not just the people like us, not JUST our neighbors, our friends, our coworkers, our family, not just the people we see at church. God called us to love everyone. My two children, under the age of six (for a few more days) reminded me of that by the way they treat others. I am so thankful for them.

My prayer for them is that the love they share with others is shared with them. My prayer is that for all the times they welcome someone who is different, they are welcomed as well. Life's not easy and I'm not sure I want it to be either. But I do want my children to be loved, loved, loved.

God answers prayers

2010-11-23T21:36:00.000-05:00

About six months ago WalkAide was just a nifty new device that I had researched years ago that was finally being introduced to our family. Even after trying it out for an afternoon we still saw it as something completely unreachable no matter how hard we dreamed about it. Then I watched the video of my husband wearing the WalkAides and something stirred in me to pursue it at all costs. To Jim, the higher cost was pride as I asked our friends for help. The amazing end result is we own two WalkAide devices for Jim, one for each leg. He received them on October 23rd and it's been something close to a miracle for me to experience.

It's actually hard to put into words how it feels. And that's just my feelings, I dare not attempt to speak for Jim. Jim and I have been together for ten years. Our first date started with me asking him why he was walking funny. Yes, I did. It was the first cold night of the season and we'd been meeting in a small group inside. Cold weather pretty much freezes up their muscles so when he got out of the car for our first date I thought he was just trying to be funny. I had not noticed his HSP in our meetings. After swallowing my foot and some dinner, I learned a bit more about his disorder and well, the rest is history. Somehow he saw past my rudeness and found a way to love me. So that was just the start of things. Through the years, there have been falls, trips, a few limitations, scrapes, bruises, aches and pains. And there have been SHOES!!!! I've had the same brown shoes for four years and the same black ones going on their third winter. Jim's shoes do well to make it two months. After getting the WalkAides he bought a new pair of shoes. There's very little wear on them. You can't HEAR him when he walks. And you can't SEE his entire body forcefully walking. Now we're only a month in and there's a lot yet to be seen, but what we have seen has been so promising. We are so hopeful for the long-term effects. He's working through some fitting kinks and getting used to being shocked with every step or the unexpected shock after sitting. The great thing about Jim is he's going to let this thing work and do what it needs to do without complaining about a shock. He's using muscles that have never been used...can you imagine? My body feels that every time I workout and that's just from working out the day before, this is 38 years we're talking about! Needless to say, he's had some soreness and tenderness from that. We're hoping those issues will work themselves out with longer wear.

This dream from a few months ago is now a reality. God tells us to have faith and to ask in His name and we shall receive it. Without being cynical or sounding hypocritical, there have been many times when the answer was no or not right now. With your help, the answer was a resounding yes. God used our loved ones and your faithfulness to make a dream come true for our family. With every donation that came in and every baked good request, we praised God and you for making this a reality for us. I have been moved to tears so often throughout the past month just thinking about your love and generosity for our family. I hope you all have the chance to see Jim walking with it one day. One of my volunteers at church saw him this weekend and said, "I saw Jim walking in front of me today. That thing is amazing." Yes, buddy, it is. God is good, all the time, God is good.

Walking

2010-09-28T22:53:00.000-04:00

In my family there's a joke that I'm the one who walks funny. I live with three of THE most amazing guys you'll ever meet. They all have Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia. It is a lower motor neuron disorder that affects their lower limbs, from the hips down. They have all been through loads of physical therapy and for a while we allowed Nathan to be our guinea pig whenever I read about something that could potentially make a difference. I cannot believe what all I put my sweet little boy through with the hope of finding the one thing that would be life changing. As if having painful cramps, spasms, falling, tripping, wearing holy shoes, wearing uncomfortable AFOs and being looked at all the time or told he couldn't do something wasn't enough for him to already be going through. As a mom and wife, I only want the best for my family.

I stumbled across a device about two and a half years ago that I thought might be the answer. I mentioned it to Nathan's PT and she tried a similar device that was painful and not very effective for him. Earlier this year his PT said that someone from that company was coming by and would be willing to try it out on Nathan and Jim and Brady. Ahhhhh, some things are worth waiting for.

We met with Cole Parsons, the Walk-Aide rep many months ago, thus beginning this long journey of what if. He first tested Jim out using the Walk-Aide. It's a device that is mainly used for traumatic brain injuries, such as stroke for foot drop. Well, you can say the boys have foot drop just by checking out their worn shoes! It stimulates (by shocking them) their foot to come up with every step. Yes, it's a bit painful and something that would gradually become the norm. How much more can that hurt than every stubbed toe or other scrapes? On that day we realized that Jim was what we feel like the perfect candidate for the device. The boys need to grow some more before it will work for them. The device is about the size of a deck of cards and worn just below the knee with a custom cuff. Most people only need one, my boys would need two. This device is relatively new in the medical world and especially for HSP patients and rarely covered by insurance. Here's a clip from the first time Jim tried out the WalkAide.

The night of the first "experiment" Jim said to me with tears in his eyes, "That is the first time I've ever walked." I knew in my heart that I would do just about anything to make this a reality for him. Can you imagine what parts of his life must be like and have been like for the past 38 years? He never complains about the pain or the arthritis that is kicking in because of the extreme wear and tear on his joints. It takes so much effort for them to walk, some days it's painful for me to watch how much effort it takes and yet they all just go and do without complaint. I contacted Cole to see what it would take to get the Walk-Aide for Jim. He gave me some crazy numbers to start with and said he would start the insurance process and for us to be prepared for it to go into appeals. We discussed renting the device to see the long term effects, but the rental cost was EXTREME, something close to $2000 that we would completely lose if it didn't work, but could put towards insurance IF insurance paid. It was just too risky for us. We were ready with letters waiting! We received a call that we were the first people private insurance has ever offered to pay their part without going through appeals. Certainly God was now on our side of this.

The cost of the device is over $10,000. Our insurance covers 80%, still leaving us with a substantial $2400 to pay out of pocket. On top of weekly PT and orthotics costs. Jim and I discussed it at length and decided it was something we could not justify on top of our other expenses and trying to get out of debt. He contacted Cole and thanked him for his time and said we would be in touch when the timing was better for our wallets. Cole was very nice and said he'd be waiting for us.

We received an email this week that after review, the company was willing to take over $900 off what we owe, reducing our total to about $1400. I was ecstatic! Jim still feels like we should focus our finances on getting out of debt and I agree. Staying home with the boys the first few years really took a hit on our finances and we're still digging out. But I still want to make this a reality for Jim. I still want him to have that feeling he had that first day when he walked.

So, here's where I would love your help. I have a very proud husband who is truly a gift from God to me and everyone he meets. I treasure him, he's an amazing father to our children and I couldn't ask for a better husband. If having this device gives his body a few more years to be with us comfortably and gives him a completely different way of life, then I'm up to the challenge of fighting his pride. We don't know long term how effective this device will be. Some HSPers have had success with it, others haven't. I know it's a lot of money for something that may not be effective for him in a few years, but for right now, it's the only thing we've got going. He claims I make very good chocolate chip cookies and other treats that I'm trying to avoid. So I had the idea that you (our friends) could help me out by buying some cookies or another requested treat. Baking is a great stress reliever for me, but the added weight then adds to the stress, I need to pass that part along to someone else. Below are some "stock" items that will be available for sale. If there's something else that you would like, please let me know and I'll get in the kitchen. I make very little low-fat or even attempt to make it look healthy, just taste good. My tastebuds and stomach could care less how things look!

*Chocolate Chip Cookies
*Ginger Cookies

*Sourdough Bread
*Whoopie Pies

*Cake Balls

*Brownies

*Cakes

*For our Northern friends, I make some great sweet tea I'd love to share with you! :)

I'm not putting prices on these items, I'm asking for your donation for these goods. Every penny will go towards lowering our out of pocket costs for the Walk-Aide for Jim. If we're blessed with excess we will use those funds towards the 3 month supply of new electrodes ($200 every 3 months) and more batteries! If you'd like to place an order, please send me a message on Facebook or at jimandshea@yahoo.com.

Thank you for reading this. I know everyone has some burden(s) they are carrying and I so very much appreciate your prayers over this more than anything. During our prayer time tonight Nathan asked if we could pray for his toenails to stop growing so we wouldn't have to trim them ever again. Part of this is pure annoyance at the task and the other is it's a bit painful from the way his toes are beat up while he walks. Jim told him since God created Nathan the way he is, toenails and all, we wouldn't pray for change because God's design for us is perfect. Even for my boys with HSP. I would just like to make some revisions to their design if God allows.

Already

2010-07-29T00:21:00.050-04:00

I did it, I created our monthly menu for August. Nothing new there, huh? Another month, more meals to plan for, shop for, prepare for. Screeeeeeeeech, what is that date that's lurking at the end of the month, that date I normally like because it's payday? You can't really be serious that August 25 is one month away and Nathan will pack a backpack with a very long list of items from his supply sheet and a cool lunchbox and head to Kindergarten for the first time. I have had mini-breakdowns every day for the past week. And there's still a month to go.

As I was shopping today for our dinner menu and tossing in some lunch fun, the thought came to me, will Nathan want to take this for lunch? Will this be cool enough for him? Will he have enough time to eat? I know he can open a fruit cup at home, but what if he makes a mess and gets some juice on his pants and everyone calls him pee-pee pants when it's just fruit juice? The boy loves some Ramen so we've got to experiment with Ramen in a thermos. And doesn't he eat wicked early? He'll be ravenous when I pick him up. All that brain energy being used requires food. Let's not even discuss his lunch box choice dilemma. I have looked at so many I'm close to brown bagging it.

You would think I've never been in a classroom, that I've never been a student, much less a teacher. I am trying so very hard to allow him to be himself and not get anxious over having the right folder, eraser, pencil, glue stick, hand gel for class. I want the teacher (oh, who will she be????) to know he's the most amazing kid she'll ever have while at the same time I know he's human and we all have faults. I want to hope that he'll be a good influence on others and not be overly affected by the things he is exposed to at this age. I want to hope that he'll make some really good friends. I want to hope that no one will think twice about some wicked cool braces he has on his legs or that he sometimes falls or that he isn't as fast as others. I want to hope that I won't miss him so very much, but I already know I will. I have a month to go on lunch dates with him, play in the pool, shop at Target and leave a popcorn trail. I have a month to go to the library with him, to visit friends with him, to run off to somewhere for an overnight if we desire. I'm running out of time to be home with my most amazing Nathan.

Let me be clear, I have Brady at home and will treasure having some one-on-one time with my little baby because we don't have much of that. But for five and a half years, Nathan has been here for me all the time. Perhaps I have held on to him too tight, but I wasn't about to let him go. I didn't and don't want to miss a moment with either of them. And now he's going to be in an ugly old concrete building all day with a strange lady (I'm sure she'll be fine and we'll all love her, but right now she's a stranger) and other strange children and I'm not going to know what all he's doing the whole time. He loves Brady and playing with him, teaching him, loving on him. I am not ready for the two of them to be apart for long periods of time. I believe there's a hidden umbilical cord the two of them share. He's such an incredible little helper at home and I so enjoy watching him learn. He soaks up knowledge better than my any sponge I know. I don't think there's anything he can't do and I'm so very proud of him. I'm just not ready and I've got less than a month to be ready to drop him off in a classroom with a smile on my face. Once I walk out Brady and I can fill up at the local bakery and drown our sorrows in some sugary confection.

Dear God, please, please slow down your clock so I may enjoy these last days of summer with my boys. Help us to make the most of these days and not be grumpy or grouchy with each other. It would mean a great deal to me if you could extend summer just a wee bit more, thank you.

True Gifts

2010-07-28T23:55:00.040-04:00

I named this blog Gifts From God, Loved by Mom because my boys are gifts from God. That's actually the meaning of Nathan's name. I wanted to leave the blog title to that, but someone else has it. I added loved by mom-do I really need to explain that? I also think we all know by now that I am not the most creative marker in the box either so thinking of one of those really catchy names wasn't happening and I thought that naming it after myself was a bit much. Besides, we all know what I talk about ALL the time. Tonight I got another glimpse of why I conisder my children to be such perfect gifts from God. Please don't mistake that for me thinking my children are perfect, they are perfect gifts-like diamonds from Tiffany.

Before I tell you about that let me preface it a just a bit with the week I've had. The boys and I went to Emerald Isle Tuesday with my parents and Candi's family came down for a bit, too. Jim left for camp with our middle schoolers Wednesday at 3 am in Kentucky. I did not get my helpmate, I mean, husband back until last night (Monday) at 1:00am. Yes, that's a full seven days my boys went without their dad. Do you have any idea what that means to them? I am sure this sounds very whiney here, but we are such a family family. Not a typo, we actually like each other, most of the time, and enjoy our time together. Not to mention that I so very much rely on Jim to balance out our boys. They are gifts from God, but this week I think they were a special delivery from somewhere else. They argued, wrestled, fought, talked back, bickered, didn't eat well, didn't sleep well, and rarely said nice things to each other for seven days. Maybe I'm exaggerating things a wee bit, but to an overly tired mom who needed a break in there somewhere and now needs a vacation from her "vacation," it's well deserved! Jim allowed me to sleep in, in Brady's room, this morning! I know he was exhausted, too, but I think he picked up on the "they are yours today" vibe before they even woke up. Actually, he was beside himself to be with them again! We had a pretty good family day, Jim spent most of it rehashing EVERY moment from camp, EVERY moment. By the end of the night, the boys were back to being the misfits. What on earth? I thought having Daddy home would solve that. Oh, poo.

Jim did take over the nightly routine which is wonderful because brushing teeth and getting ready for bed is just as enjoyable as going to the gyno. We had a wonderful family devotional time, Brady paid enough attention to be able to answer a question that wasn't God or Jesus (his usual responses and when those two don't work he throws in Moses for good measure). As I was having my Nathan and me time tonight he gave me a big hug and said, "I've got you chained in, you can't escape."

I freed myself (almost lost an earring and I'm pretty sure my neck is permanently twisted) and said, "Baby, don't you know my chains are gone, I've been set free."

He gave his infamous Nathan grin and said, "Mommy, let's sing that version of Amazing Grace together." He belted it out and asked for more. I told him we could sing more tomorrow, it was getting late.

He said, "I'll just sing to myself, how's that?"

"Sure, buddy, good night, I love you." And then I did as all good parents do, I listened at the door. With ginormous tears pouring down my face as he sang and God "rang-sunged" him. He wrapped it up and said outloud to himself, "Oh, yeah, right, MY prayers." Listening to your five year old son pray independently for you, your husband and your other son and telling God how much he loves Him is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I honestly don't know what Jim and I are doing as parents, other than fully trusting in God that He is moving through Nathan and Brady without us. If He's not then we're bound to seriously mess up, we might anyway, but I hope that God is so firmly rooted in them that our screw-ups can be managed with Him.

So very thankful for the gift of a husband returned and two angels here on earth.

Some things I wish I didn't know

2010-07-27T23:50:00.005-04:00

In life there are some things you wish you didn't know or really, who needs to know THAT? Such as the age old question of how many licks it takes to finish off a Tootsie Roll Pop or that my dad takes out his front tooth at night. Yep, you're wishing you didn't know that now, too! Good thing he knows nothing about this blog or what a blog even is!

But there is something I know too much about or maybe not enough, I'm not quite sure. In the 2386 days, 3 hours, 1 minute and 44 seconds since Wednesday, January 14, 2004 when our lives changed forever, I've learned more than I ever wanted to know about death, grieving, love, grace, redemption and hope. I have asked countless questions to go along with that knowledge, some that never have answers. I like to tell myself that having an angel waiting for me has to have some definite earthly reasons. In the past year, I've found some. On those occasions, people have come to me regarding infant loss. They want to KNOW what to do. It takes everything in me not to laugh. I know that sounds terribly cruel. And this comes from the biggest "doer or want-to-be doer" or them all. I want to be able to do something to fix things. Well, in these cases nothing can be fixed. It's just the beginning of an endless journey to mending a hole that has no chance of being repaired. Once I get beyond that idiot moment, I feel the utmost pain and sorrow for that family and return to that night. Every image that has been burned into my brain comes flashing back and I try to remember what was most helpful and what would we have liked better. There's an incredible organization out there called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep where they send photographers to the hospital to take pictures of the baby and the family. These are some beautiful and most treasured items a family can have. We have some photographs of Harris that a nurse took, but none with us and not nearly to the degree of these. I always suggest giving them a call so that someone can be sent out soon. I also suggest encouraging the mom and dad to hold their baby as much as possible. At first I didn't want to hold Harris. I was so upset with everything and couldn't handle holding a baby who wasn't living. How badly I wish I could have those moments back, they were the only moments I had to hold my angel until we meet again in Heaven. The hospital did a great job with keeping some hair for us and doing footprints and handprints. My nurse was an angel herself and handled so many of these details for us.

Here's where it gets tricky about advice. One of the things Jim and I remember most is having a friend come in and give us both tender hugs and then she left. There weren't any words, just gentle and tender love from a friend. So often words that are meant to be hopeful or encouraging can be so damaging. I'd advise not saying anything, simply listening, holding and allowing those grieving to tell their story (over and over and over again).

My sister, Candi, has had to call me twice in less than a year for two of her friends. One friend's sweet son, Ayden, earned his wings on August 25 last year. Both mom and dad are teachers, first day of school and saddest day of their lives. Another friend is more recent. Candi reached out to me because she knew that I KNEW what loss was like. My loss is much different that Lindsay and Jeremy's, but we share the grief of having angel babies. Having my sister call me for her friends taught me two things, Harris lived and died so that I could in a very small way help someone else and so that my sister would be able to help them as well. Does that make it any easier? Not on your life. I don't think I realized the complete magnitude of pain his death caused my family until Ayden died and Candi reached out to Lindsay. I saw and will never forget the raw pain in their eyes at the hospital when they first entered the room, but I think they all tried to shield me from seeing that afterwards. Candi went to action immediately and did more behind the scenes work than a stunt double. VeeCee, in her sweet gentleness, cared for me so very tenderly and I'm sure took orders from Candi. All while they were both in pain. Who was taking care of them? Something to know to do, while the parents are suffering, there are other relatives suffering, too. Take care of them please.

There's so much more to know and do and be and see and all that. And I really wish I was still ignorant of it all. However, I am certain, without a doubt, that God's perfect plan is at work in this. And I am holding on to that with everything in me.

While this came from another blog, I agree with it whole-heartedly. And I hope you never have to use it, ever. But it can't hurt to look it over because every time I get to talk about Harris or his story he lives a little more.

A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List

I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you as well.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

I wish you wouldn’t “kill” my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or to “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time so don’t frustrate yourself.

I don’t want to have a “pity party,” but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, “I’m doing okay,” I wish you could understand that I don’t feel okay and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

Your advice to “take one day at a time” is excellent. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle it all at an hour at a time.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.

I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

New Things

2010-07-17T01:31:00.001-04:00

I tried running for the first time this week. Nothing was chasing me. My children were not running into the road and no one was after them. In fact, I thought they were asleep.

Jim and I have been working out at least three times a week since June 1st. It's been beyond amazing to have a partner in this. There are many days that I just don't feel like doing anything but reading a book at night. Jim will come downstairs all suited up and ready forcing my guilt complex into overdrive. I then must work out with him. I think I've let myself down twice by not working out with him. So on Tuesday night when he was out building a boat for camp and I'd had a terribly emotionally draining day, I could have, maybe even should have skipped working out. But I thought, hmph, I'll show him I can do this. And I even tried something new. I did my regular stuff with weights and I've worked up to 150 crunches a night. But then I turned on a podcast for Couch to 5K. WHAT? 5K, like if I finish this I'll get $5,000, right? I wish. I'm going to trust God on that answer and see what happens. No, really, it's a training technique that prepares your body for running distances. I've got the Magnificent MILE (yeah, that's my cutie on the slideshow!) coming up in September. Notice, MILE. Yep, I need to work myself up for it. See, I've been working out at home using Leslie Sansone's Walk at Home videos and a Biggest Loser video. Both are great tools. Both can be done in the comfort and safety and air conditioning of my home. No one is watching me for entertainment purposes, it's all great. So I thought I could swing the Couch to 5K inside, too. I kinda had to, because I can't just leave my angels in bed while I go off attempting to run.

I took my puffs from my inhaler (recently been confirmed I have asthma, gee, I could have told them that a long time ago), tied my shoes, grabbed some water and pressed play. It starts out very nicely-listen to some worship songs while you walk. Hey, anyone can walk for 5 minutes, right? Then the guy says, "Well, now you're warmed up and ready to RUN, go!" I went-around in circles, through the kitchen and back around again for 900000000 seconds. Okay, I think it's only 60 second intervals. During my last run back, I am greeted by Nathan saying, "I really like that song, can you play it again?" Excuse me, aren't you supposed to be in bed and no, I'm not replaying it because then I'd have to run again!! I finished up my run/walk and tended to him. He needs lots of night time stretching lately.

Can I just say how exhilarated I felt after that first night of running? I wanted to run outside and jump in the puddles from the big storm. I proclaimed I enjoyed running as my facebook status. I was envisioning running for fun every night. I was already thinking of when I would need to replace my shoes and would Bob ever allow me to join his running group. Then reality set in. Fortunately I wasn't so out of shape that my body couldn't handle it so I woke up feeling fine and you're supposed to take a day off. Jim and I did another kind of workout the following night. Then last night (the night I was supposed to run again) I suffered an incredible (not great incredible, but the true meaning of the word-not believable) migraine. Jim sent me to bed suggesting working out was not in the cards for me. That brings me to tonight. Tonight's run was prefaced by a very yummy hamburger and some (NOT about to count) homemade cookies I just had to make for stress relief. I'm blaming the cookies. Jim was home so I took the opportunity to venture out with the mp3 player and do my thing. Oh my...

Poor neighbors who had to watch that spectacle. They've never seen me out sweating or moving fast. I'm sure many of them turned on the news looking for end of world happenings. I passed many of them and held up my player for explanation that I was intent on my workout. The first five minutes are walking. LOVE those minutes. Matt and Nikki were just coming up behind me and I waved with the player to indicate I was on a mission. Then I had to break out into a 90 second RUN in front of the Juengel house. Really hoping they weren't home. It turned out that every time I had to run I was heading uphill. I need to work on my route! It was pretty pathetic, but I finished and I can say tonight that I do not enjoy running-outside in high humidity temperatures, or cold temperatures or rainy days or sunny days or perfect days when God is smiling down on me. He was actually blowing me kisses at every uphill run with a breeze on my face. Not quite as nice as air conditioning, but there's yet to be air conditioning at the Mag Mile so I better suck it up now!

I am still not in love with running, my shins will let me know tomorrow if I really dislike it and I know I need more girly support. But I really don't want to give up on this and would like to see how the endurance aspect works. Wouldn't it be nice to be breathing like a person instead of a Kentucky Derby winner at the end of the Mag MILE?

12 Times to Say I'm Sorry

2010-07-12T00:42:00.123-04:00

I received this in my inbox today.

12 Times to Say "I'm Sorry"

Say "I'm Sorry" (and really mean it) whenever you...

• Are wrong.
• Are rude.
• Are defensive.
• Are impatient.
• Are negative.
• Are hurtful.
• Are insensitive.
• Are forgetful.
• Are confused or confusing.
• Have neglected, ignored, or overlooked something important to the one you love.
• Have damaged, misused, or impaired something that is not yours (even if it was an accident).
• Have not said "I'm Sorry" as sincerely and quickly as the situation warranted.

I immediately forwarded it to my husband, even though we share an email account because he wouldn't read it otherwise, with these words:

"I think I probably owe you an I'm Sorry for the rest of our lives based on this. Wow!

I love you so much and appreciate how much you put up with me!"

Looking at that list completely overwhelms me as a wife, a mother, sister, daughter, friend, coworker, bystander at Walmart, human. If I take apart the list and examine my daily life, then chances are I need to be saying sorry to someone throughout the day. I'm not exactly sure I like what this is saying about me.

ARE WRONG-who, me? Really, there are times when we all make mistakes. Some are big, some are small, and some really don't make a difference in the big scheme of things. BUT, taking ownership and responsibility for your actions is the bigger key here to me than the actual mistake.
ARE RUDE-oh yeah! You better because your mama raised you better. Is this rude as in you stay in your car with the door open blocking two parking spots when others would love to have your spot because you just need to sit in your car with the door open for a minute and think of your big Aldi purchases? Or is this rude as in I'm sorry, are you in the room and I'm not even going to bother talking to you rude? Or is this rude as in you ran over your mom's foot with the heavy shopping cart while she was wearing flip flops after you stomped her foot with your size four shoe? Say you're sorry and move on. I'm sure the victim already has...
ARE DEFENSIVE-or maybe they haven't. So you kinda knew that your hubs was on edge about something yet you continued to push because you were on edge. Well, eventually someone's got to fall off that edge.
ARE IMPATIENT-wait, there's more? With life's circumstances, with day-to-day why does it take you so long to do THAT?, with that same rude person at Aldi? Hmmm, I cannot imagine being impatient. But I'd rather apologize for it than pray for it's opposite!
NEGATIVE-as in not positive? I have to be sorry for that, too?! Well, yes, think of all the positive things in your life, do they not outweigh those pesky little negative ones? Especially when you're talking about PEOPLE and not things. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts...all facebook statuses must now be positive. Let's see how long that lasts (Whoa, there, is that negativity or just sarcasm?)
HURTFUL-ouch, do I need a bandaid? Again, so many meanings. Intentional and unintentional. I could spend every waking hour debating whether or not the things I've said or done throughout the day are hurtful to others or not. Then the responsibility character flaw I have would totally freak out wanting to not allow any words to come out for fear of being hurtful. I don't think I'm ever intentionally hurtful, but you NEVER know how others will take what you say (or write)-we're humans after all. I am always asking Jim, "Do you think that what I said, did, didn't say or do, upset him/her?" It's a never ending battle of sarcasm and my attempts to be funny along with my just not being that smart sometimes.
INSENSITIVE-did you feel that? Some people have this problem of saying things without realizing that others have a heart. Some of us with that heart tend to have been born with a more fragile heart than others. We're just a bit sensitive when you say, "Uh, are you going to wear that?" Consider your wording and how you would feel if you weren't born with a shatterproof heart.
FORGETFUL-what did you say again? I'm sorry. I'll go ahead and tell you that now. Nathan will tell you that I am THE most forgetful person he knows. I must tell people to remind me of things several times. I write notes to myself to remember, I email myself, text myself, set alarms, cover my world in post-its; yet I forget things. I've been borrowing Nathan's brain for the past few years. "Nathan, remind me to run by the office. Then we need to return the library books, then drop off the recycling." He reminds me to turn left just as I'm about to zoom through the light instead of dropping off the recycling that is sitting right NEXT to me in the car! What was that you said???
ARE CONFUSING or CONFUSED-huh? Again, I'm sorry, I don't get this one. Does this mean I've confused you about what I'm trying to explain (that's why I say, "Does that make sense to you?") Or am I apologizing for being confused? Then we're in a heap of trouble because we may both end up on a continuous cycle of apology. That would be U-G-L-Y. There was a not nice U-G-L-Y cheer when I was growing up, now that's something worthy of an apology.
HAVE NEGLECTED, IGNORED, OR OVERLOOKED SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO THE ONE YOU LOVE-about that...Well, I meant to, but I got confused and forgot. I got the note from the dog that we're supposed to feed him, every day because he can't do it himself. You mean you didn't notice I bought this wicked hot dress and heels-I've made an appointment at the optometrist for you. Nope, I haven't spent the last three weeks working on that project, nope, nothing to pick up on there.
HAVE DAMAGED, MISUSED, OR IMPAIRED SOMETHING THAT IS NOT YOURS (EVEN IF IT WAS AN ACCIDENT)-you have insurance, right? Thanks for letting me borrow your _________, no, it's in mint condition just like when you loaned it to me. What, the car is totaled? the table is scratched? the rack is broken?? Oh, that's right, I loaned them to you JUST LIKE THAT. Seriously, I know your mama raised you better than that. And just for the record, I'm sure I apologized and am still apologizing for totaling my sister's car sixteen years ago.
HAVE NOT SAID "I'M SORRY" AS SINCERELY AND QUICKLY AS THE SITUATION WARRANTED-yes, you have to apologize to him and mean it. We're not toddlers and preschoolers anymore. We have to stand behind our words and actions. I tell the boys to not even bother saying it if they don't mean it. But don't wait until someone (me) has forgotten about it to say sorry. Some people get off so easy on that technicality with me. They know I'm forgetful!

While I don't think I'm an evil person I do see where I need to let go of some things in my life so that I don't have so many potential opportunities to say I'm sorry. I think they could have included this one:

NOT SAYING THANK YOU SOON ENOUGH-because low and behold I'm terribly guilty of it. And the person I'm thanking (with a note) has most likely forgotten their good deed. It's not that I don't write them, I enjoy writing them, I just never get them to the post office or get a stamp on them. Shame, shame, shame on me. And I'm sorry and thank you.

2010-07-11T13:44:00.001-04:00

The Lord is like a shepherd to me. A shepherd takes care of his sheep. The Lord takes care of me. He gives me everything I need. He gives me nice places to rest and good water to drink. He helps me to be strong. He helps me do the right things. Even when something sad happens, I am not afraid. I know the Lord will be with me. The Lord makes me strong when I face my enemies. He honors me. He gives me more than I need. I know God will love me all my life. And I will live with Him forever.

There's your easy button, folks. This came from The International Children's Story Bible by Word Publishing. The boys have gotten quite a collection of Bibles going and love to hand me a different one each day to pull from. Each scripture has an illustration from a child from somewhere on the globe. It's adorable. I opened this version today and my hands went to this page. Exactly what I needed to hear and in these simple words. No green pastures or still waters, but a nice place to rest & water to drink. That's about all this spent mind and heart can accept so my God knows exactly what to offer. How grateful am I to have Him and to have two children to hand me exactly what I need when I need it?!

Little Boys Smell(s)

2010-07-10T11:57:00.027-04:00

As I was writing the title I couldn't decide if it should be Little Boys Smell or Little Boys Smells. I'm thinking about both here so either fit. Nathan and Brady met a new friend today. His name is Nathan and he has CP. He has the same physical therapist my Nathan has and she suggested me to the mom for someone to talk to. Someone who encourages and challenges her children (who walk differently, not sure I'll use that D word or that H word, ever) to do whatever their bodies allow, whatever their hearts beg them to do, however they can get it done. Of course we arranged this meeting two weeks ago unaware that it would be in the high 90s this week. We planned an early morning playground meeting, but after an hour we took it inside. My boys were sweating enough to fill our pool. The great thing about little boy sweat is that is smells like little boy. It doesn't smell like middle school camp or my sister's old CRV. It has the harmonious blend of dirt, frogs, and puppy dog tails! Actually, for my boys, that's not too far off. Just add in some Nathanness and Bradyness and you've got the most perfect arrangement for your nasal factory. While it's not something you'd find on the shelves of your local department store for purchase-I know, without a doubt that in twenty years I will be wishing I had bottled some of that up. A friend saw the boys during this sweaty time and she hugged both boys tight. I could tell by the look in her eye when she mentioned their smell that she was thinking of her sons at that age (they are now my age). As I held my sweet Nathan tonight during our devotional I tucked my nose into his fluffy brown hair and deeply breathed in. I couldn't get enough of him-sweaty, freshly bathed-he's been created so perfectly. I'm trying to capture and savor that smell. He'll be one of my Crossings middle schoolers before long and well, we know what they smell like! And I'm not even going to write about the other many ways my boys like to make things smell in our house...

Amazing Grace

2010-07-08T23:57:00.000-04:00

We all have them, those moments where we're simply in the car, heading from A to B hoping we get there in one piece a bit less frazzled than before and on time. I'm terrible about running late, I always think I have time but it never works out-another story. I'll confess that when I'm driving I have a few different states of mind:

1. I'm driving, I don't hear you back there. I'm thinking about this and that.
2. I'm praying or at least talking in my head to God, not an announced, "Hey God, it's me" prayer, but a "This is what all is going on, what do You think about it?"
3. Ahh, it's quiet back there.
4. Wow, they are getting along nicely, aww, man, jinxed that.
5. Hey boys, what do you think about..., how about..., do you remember the time?, well, I'm not sure why God gave boys man boobies.

Oh, I'm supposed to focus on the road? Yes, I see the black top, white stripes in front of me and the cars all around. But my mind is so often somewhere else, I have God to thank every time we make it home each day. Today I was having movie scene visions of other cars crashing into us while we were laughing along. The other night I dreamed about Jim driving off a walkway/pier into the ocean while high school friends watched and I desperately tried to get the boys unbuckled.

Anyway, today I don't know exactly where I landed in those states. I'm pretty sure it was close to number four without the jinx happening. We were just about to turn onto University Drive by Girl Lowes when Nathan asked me to turn the radio up. I couldn't hear anything so I was surprised when he said, "I really like this song." It was Chris Tomlin's Amazing Grace-My Chains Are Gone. Nathan has loved Amazing Grace for as long as I can remember. He went months having me sing it to him (the original) every night before bed, all the stanzas. He so beautifully sang it at my Grandmother's funeral. So today he begins singing. I don't think anyone in our family will ever be on American Idol or even in the choir at St. Mark's, but to hear the words of that song come out of his mouth has got to be what Heaven is like. I looked back and saw Brady mouthing along with him. I need to help him learn the lyrics, too. Nathan then asked me to sing along. I didn't want to, I love that song, too. But I so badly wanted to just listen to my angels singing. It was one of those moments in the car where passersby would think I just either just heard terrible news or was leaving a funeral there were so many tears just pouring down my face. But if they had met me at a stop light, I am pretty sure they would have seen the radiance of God shining through me (and all of us) as I got to fully experience Him through my children. And I'm not sure that my attempt to put it into words has been justified. It's been one of those days where being a mom has been easy, joyful, and something to tuck into my noggin and heart for days that aren't quite like it. I'd find myself smiling at random times today just thinking about my boys. Such a blessing and I am so incredibly thankful.

2010-07-08T22:41:00.000-04:00

It's been way too long and I don't even know where to begin. But I'm thinking that the last month of sleepless nights can be cured with writing. We've had THE busiest summer to date and to think my children are only three and five wears me out. I can only imagine how much busier they'll be when they are older. Nathan was concerned about missing his friends when preschool ended, but he hasn't had time yet.

We finished school, then had swim lessons so we could confirm Nathan is a fish. Then both boys were gifted a week at Kopper Top Camp. It's an amazing camp in Liberty where the boys were on a farm all morning long and worked with horses, rode them and interacted with all sorts of farm animals. Every day they came home sweaty, dirty, tired and deliriously happy. We are forever grateful for this gift knowing we could not repay the price of this experience for them.

During that time I was gifted SOME alone time. Much of those days I had plans, but on Wednesday of that week, I spent the entire day at a friend's pool. Not my pool, with lots of others and the rowdy neighborhood teenagers, but a pool all to myself. I read a book, swam some laps, listened to music of my choosing and thought about never coming off that floaty chair. It was the first completely guilt free moment I've had in almost six years. I say guilt free because when we have date night or when I have a time for myself, I always feel guilty about leaving the boys. Or I feel like I "owe" Jim some alone time later so it's not really free. This may not make sense to others, but it's how my bizarre brain works. So, for this one day, my husband was at work, my children were so very happy at camp until whenever I wanted to pick them up (could have been 5-6pm if I wanted) and I was on my own. I debated for the longest time about going to stores, you know getting in and out of the car ALONE, but what fun is that? I would end up talking to myself because they weren't with me to talk to. And I didn't want to tempt myself with wanting to buy things. I essentially "wasted" a day by doing nothing. However, that wasted day was extremely beneficial to my well-being. It would have been better if I made sure to put Jim down for the emergency contact that day. Every time my phone rang I jumped out of the pool to make sure it wasn't camp. Wouldn't you know that would be the day that I got about fifteen calls? Seriously, my phone never rings except on this day and I didn't answer it. That's why they made voicemail! I picked up my children earlier than necessary because of some thunderstorms, but when I did pick them up I was a relaxed mommy who didn't mind that they were wet, cranky and had eaten three packages of fruit chew thingies. If this ever happens to me again, I'll also be wise enough to have dinner already made so my day-of-do-nothing can continue! The biggest problem with do nothing days-they have a habit of running over. By the end of the week I had five loads of laundry to wash and put away. Oh well. God calls us to rest on the Sabbath. I know Biblical time frames are different from ours. So I'm thinking that my once in 6 years day of rest is equal to one Biblical day of rest, right?

Holding on to HOPE, again

2010-04-08T21:53:00.000-04:00

I'd like to say that in my five months of not blogging I'd have tons of brilliant things to say. That I would have healed some wounds, enjoyed some holidays and grown abundantly in my faith and in my parenting. While most of that has happened, I have been bombarded by attacks on the people I love and care for. My team of volunteers has been attacked with death, disease, illness, loss, pain, and suffering. We've had little celebration and yet we've held tight to the One who conquers all those things and promises us a beautiful future. My best friend still mourns the loss of her baby we would have welcomed into the world next month. Another friend's facebook status today reminded me she should be celebrating eighteen months with her gift from God instead of wondering what he should be doing. A wonderful lady my family adores (the boys most likely think she's their grandmother) was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and begins treatment and the fun of so many people fondling her breasts. Their babysitter and our friend is sending her fiance off to Afghanistan for a year this weekend for the third time since they've been together. Another friend's husband is suffering from endless headaches without a cure affecting every aspect of their lives.

I sometimes get so caught up in the doom and gloom of those prayer requests and the countless others that come to me throughout the week that I feel like I can't come up for air. Even though I know that all that is expected of me is to give it all to my Father and He'll take the burden from me I still feel like I need to hold onto it myself. I'm a doer by nature, I feel like I need to be doing something to try to fix it. There's nothing I can do in any of those circumstances listed above but pray and pour out my love to those I love. For a doer who likes to cook, clean, bake, drive, organize, anything for others-laying it all out in prayer is a difficult task. Because that's sitting still, listening, talking and waiting and HOPING. And that's what I hold onto. Hope, neverending, everlasting, hope. I can do that because in the midst of all of those prayer requests I often get just as many praises of how God has worked in the lives of my family, friends, and team members. Like our friend Craig who is heading to Baltimore at the end of the month to donate his kidney, a true miracle! God's miracles, His love, His grace, His power. In that I am blessed and full of gratitude.

The joy of that is passing those lessons on to the boys. We pray every night as a family. We ask them if they have any prayer requests. Nathan normally refrains from bringing up any. Brady tends to have silly ones or personal ones. Tonight Brady asked that he would feel better soon because he was not feeling good because of all of the yellow stuff on the cars (gotta love spring in NC!). When Nathan does ask for something, you know it's a real and rather genuine one. I love that about him, he's beyond the age of praying for "silly" things (I know nothing is silly to God, but asking that wolves not eat us is a bit on the extreme side). He's sincere about who and what he's praying for and I love to hear what's coming out of his mouth. The night before my sister's birthday he asked that she have a great birthday tomorrow and that she know how much we love her. I love how thoughtful he can be and how he thinks of others first. I love knowing that they are learning about how to pray and we love sharing about the times God answers our prayers and blesses those we love. They are learning about the love and grace of our Father through the ups and downs of our lives. We are not the type of family to hide things, we openly share the ups and downs and pray about it all. While it may be hard to sit and pray, we know it's always the best thing to do in every situation.

I'll try to get back to regular blogging. I think I'll get the creative juices flowing again and let them loose!!

My baby's not really a baby anymore

2009-11-24T14:35:00.000-05:00

At what point is a child no longer a baby? I'm sure there are labels out there-infant, toddler, anklebiter, crumbsnatcher, preschooler, rugrat, etc. But for you, when is your child no longer a baby? Since Brady is our last baby (unless God decides to use His wicked, not the Yankee version of wicked, sense of humor on us) I'm having a hard time letting go of the title baby. Being that I'm the baby of my family I don't think my family has ever let go of the label for me. At some point, though, for him to mature and become the man God calls him to be, I must allow that baby label to be replaced by others. I'm also well aware that there are so many labels out there that I don't want him associated with so maybe that's why I'd prefer to hold tight to the baby label for a while longer.

Brady came to our room Saturday morning and we said, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" We excitedly commented about our big three year old and he quickly pointed out that he wasn't three yet because he had not had a cupcake. He is so my child. I do have a thing for cupcakes, actually cake, but you know that you're really not supposed to eat an entire cake so some genious came up with cupcakes to help those of us with a guilty conscious. Sadly, I'm particular about my cake and am not fond of grocery store cake so I don't often get one for my birthday because Jim's not going to bake one and he knows better than to run to girl Lowes and buy one. Last year sweet Katie Nakhle, one of my Crossings' students, made me the most delicious cupcakes for my birthday. Oh, so yummy. I will not divulge how many I ate. Oh, how I digress with the delicious topic of cupcakes...

Back to Brady's birthday morning. He needed cupcakes to turn three and when asked what he wanted for his birthday breakfast all he said was, "Coke." Now, we don't keep those in our home. We're a pretty boring beverage home. We have milk, water, coffee and juice. Sometimes we'll have decaf tea, but that's only when I get a hankering for it and I prefer Splenda so we need that, too. I've been sick so I definitely didn't feel like driving somewhere for a Coke. Next best thing-wonderful neighbors you can ask for anything and visit in your pajamas. They had a 2-liter of Coke and wrote 'Happy Birthday Brady' on it. Sweet! For breakfast (in bed, no less) my three-year-old had chocolate chip muffins/cupcakes to him and Coke. That's a successful birthday! Happy Birthday Sweet Brady! May God bless you abundantly. We love you toe mush!

I'm guessing if Brady (aka, Candy Man to SMC Staff) gets loaded with caffeine for his 3rd birthday then he's no longer a baby. But I would certainly love to keep him my baby forever. I have held him a little tighter, a little longer and kissed him more the past week hoping to keep him my baby. But as he looks up at me with those incredible blue eyes and that nose sprinkled with freckles, my heart melts knowing that one day he'll have to look down at me because certainly he'll grow beyond me. My baby will always be my baby, all of them will, it's the letting go and allowing them to become little boys that's so painfully hard sometimes. That's where my trusting God to hold them when I can't becomes key and praying that there are still people willing to speak truth into their lives on a constant basis is crucial. Until that day comes that Brady doesn't allow me to squeeze him to pieces, I'm going to hold tight to be my baby just a little longer.

Certainly not Snow White...

2009-11-04T22:59:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like you're one of the Seven Dwarfs? Maybe all in one day, all in the same hour? Sometimes I'm so caught up in emotions that I can't pick which one so I end up terribly GRUMPY. That's where I've been all week. Deep down inside I have so much to be grateful for and I'll find myself weeping over it then minutes later I'm crying over something really sad. I even had a student Sunday night call me grumpy. Ouch, that hurt. Is it the time change? My sneaking the good Halloween candy from the boys? Or is it really time for Jim to consider moving and not telling me?

How difficult is it for God's light to shine through you when you're grumpy? And I mean REALLY shine? I don't mean the flashlight has a battery so it works, I mean LIGHTHOUSE shine. I'm feeling my light's starting to dim. That's the last thing God or I want. So I'll take a step back, spend some time with Him and pray my light is of better quality to burn off the grump. It doesn't look like chocolate is doing it. And that's depressing enough! "And the light shines on in the darkness, and the darkness has never put it out." John 1:5

Just so this isn't all about me being a GrumpPot...I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but my Nathan is one amazing prayer warrior. I'm not sure when gifts are distinguishable, but he has something amazing. The past week or so he's really opened up with his prayer time leaving me in tears each night. And yesterday I was anxious about a friend so I asked him to pray for her. He prayed for her and brought up another friend in the prayer. This other friend has some complications in her pregnancy a few weeks ago. I have no idea why her name came to his head at that time. Later on I found out she had a doctor's appointment. Everything is fine, but it was just incredible that he would bring her up as well. Throughout the day I'll ask him to pray for someone and he'll say, "I'll pray for them tonight." I always ask him why not now and he normally does it then and is always certain to remember them again that night. I don't know about you and it may be that I would honestly forget my brain if God wasn't so thoughtful and attached it, but I have a hard time remembering prayer requests that have just been told to me. In fact I write them down and pray with one eye opened because I would hate to forget one. Here's my four (almost 5) year old remembering to pray for others. He just amazes me.

With all this prayer talk, please pray for my high school friend, Anitra. Her husband passed away unexpectedly last week. I cannot even imagine what she is going through. Please pray for her. And with that prayer thank God for the people in your life and don't take a moment with them for granted. My poor boys are held so tightly some mornings they beg for air because I've missed them at night. Notice I said "some." There are many mornings I'd love to sleep in for an hour more instead I have two wild monkeys jumping on my bed and you know what happens when monkeys jump on your bed...

Gotta love YouTube!

I'm still beyond grateful for these gifts of Nathan & Brady no matter what time it is or how grumpy I may be. Have you heard this song on Noggin? When we had cable, Nathan loved Noggin and we loved this song. Good to know you're loved even when you're grumpy!

Grumpy

If you want to be a grump that's ok
But could you be grumpy kinda further away
It's not that I dont love ya cause you know I do

Sometimes I'm grumpy too!

If you want to be a nudge that's ok
But could you be nudgey kinda further away
Its not that I dont love ya cause you know I do
Sometimes I'm nudgey too

And I think I understand exactly what it is you're going through
When your oatmeals lumpy; your socks are all bumpy
What's a poor kid to do?

A sign?

2009-10-22T21:38:00.000-04:00

One year ago today we were quietly grateful Brady made it through a somewhat elective surgery to correct a birth defect. I say somewhat because it wasn't life threatening, but it could have affected him in all sorts of ways later on. We went ahead with it, trusting our doctors because we believe they have the knowledge and know what's best for our children when it comes to medical decisions. He had some pretty disturbing complications from it weeks later that lasted for quite some time. For months following the surgery we questioned whether we had made the right decision in going through with this somewhat elective surgery. Now, a year later, everything's fine. If we had to do it again, would we? I don't know. We'd probably weigh our options out again heavily and chances are, we would do it. Knowing that in the end, he turned out okay. In fact, he doesn't remember any of it. Jim and I are the only ones who seem "scarred" by it.

Is this a sign? Does this mean that God is telling us to go ahead and listen to the doctor with botox treatments, trust his wisdom and expertise? It just seems like it comes at the right time. Or is it a sign of us questioning those months after where things were such a struggle for us. It was more of a heartache for our son than an actual physical struggle. If we go through with the botox it will be a physical struggle for all of us.

Needless to say we haven't made a decision yet. We're at a complete standstill of indecision. I have trouble deciding where to eat lunch, what to wear, even picking out shoes for the boys is painful. Geez, Jim decided the color theme for our wedding because I couldn't. His favorite colors are orange and green. My bridesmaids are eternally grateful he went with hunter green! Although you know I'd probably choose orange if it were to happen right now! :) I thought I was getting better for a while. I was becoming a decision making adult, a married woman who had a great job who could make decisions and had a voice. Then I had children and suddenly I became afraid to make decisions. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I fed them the wrong foods, bought the wrong brand of diapers, make the wrong medical decisions? I look back at some of the poor (bad, wrong) decisions I've made in my life and doubt my ability to make any good decisions. And sadly I've passed that indecisive gene onto Nathan. The last time we were picking out shoes for him we had to call Jim to ask his opinion on which ones to get. Seriously? Two children and a mom couldn't pick out a pair of shoes for a four year old? Then there's the fear of making a decision and hurting someone's feelings or choosing something you don't like. What if I choose Mexican and you wanted Italian? I have that fear of letting others down, you know. That leads into not being able to make decisions.

As we were walking tonight the boys wanted to race Jim and Kodi home. Nathan and Brady kept looking back to see how far Jim was pretending to stay behind. I told them both to never look back, to always look forward. That looking back never gets you anywhere and it slows you down. Keep looking forward. Hmm, at the time I thought it was brilliant. Now, I'm thinking not so brilliant. We have to look back; leave the past behind us. But use it to grow and learn and trust in God's plan for our lives. Use it to show His provisions for us. Use it to remind us of His love for us and how He has held us in the palm of His hand and carried us.

We'll make a decision soon, it's important we do before Nathan becomes a real giant. We cherish your prayers as we learn to discern and as I do my best to make decisions. Just beware of asking me out to lunch-know where you're going because I'm not going to decide!

The "B" Bomb Hit

2009-10-14T00:44:00.000-04:00

It's been a full week, I've even had the thrill of going away to Catalyst, an exciting weekend of horseback riding and a great Sunday at Crossings, but my brain and mostly my heart are still aching over a decision that needs to be made. Last Tuesday we visited Nathan's doctor at UNC. After waiting almost two hours we finally got to see him. We like this guy, he's got an incredible way with the kids and always takes time to ask how we're doing as parents. But I'm always anxious for what may come out of his mouth. Prior to this visit, Nathan's physical therapist had been leading us on nicely with Nathan being able to go to a home therapy program within six months. Basically that means that he's meeting all of the goals she can set for him so to save us several thousands of dollars, we may as well do what we do at home. We've been going to her for almost three years so we know from her instruction what we need to do for him. Not to mention that he has hit the age where he realizes not everyone goes to therapy weekly and wears AFOs. He loved and responded well to aquatic therapy, but since he met his goals for that insurance and therapy requirements weren't too keen on him continuing it.

So, we enter Dr. Alexander's office last Tuesday thinking he's going to go along with Nathan's PT's thoughts about a home program and we'll walk out, rush back for Nathan's football game and be happy to not return to the light blue area for 6-9 months. You know that saying, tell God your plans and He'll laugh at you. So glad I could become His personal comedian last week. The doctor looks at Nathan's weight and height (51.2 lbs with clothes and AFOs, 3.9 ft. tall) and gives us the look. Normally that look leads into a lecture about Nathan's eating habits and what I feed him. That leads into Nathan's preference for fruit over fries any day. It's a frustrating, tear-jerking battle for me. Nathan's a solid, tall young fellow. Just ask someone who's tried to pick him up lately, I should have amazing arms-oh well. The look didn't lead into that. It led to a discussion about Nathan's rate of growth being consistently high and at this rate he's going to run into some problems because his hamstrings and calves will not stretch to keep up. I get that, I see that, I ache because of that. I envision what that will do to him physically as Dr. Alexander imitates him walking in a crouched position. When is surgery an option (didn't we just finish up all the surgery business I need forever with Brady this time last year?)? Surgery is not an option until he's about 8-10 years old for him to reach a certain state of growth. Phewy. What are our options?

That's when he drops the "B" bomb we've worked so hard to avoid the past two years. We've read about it, vaguely researched it, heard from other parents about it, but kind of put it in that drawer labeled "not us." Because for two years they've told us he's not a good candidate (they most likely said "at this time" but I'm sure I was so excited to hear not a good candidate that that's all I heard!). Now remember, we walked in thinking we were leaning towards a home based program, just wanted you to stay on track with our hearts. :) Botox. Not the get rid of wrinkles kind (I'm so going to need that after this), but the relax your muscles enough so we can stretch them silly kind. Yep, an ugly toxin injected into his muscles. Several injections at that. Did I mention that we waited an unbearable amount of time? Therefore we were not given ample time to discuss the "B" bomb? He did give us a patient information sheet on Botox. The same kind of information your pharmacist gives you listing all the side effects of your meds. Scary stuff in there with the what ifs. Thus began my ridiculous internet research and you know how that can go. And the pestering of friends and anyone who has had any encounter with Botox at all. For a brief explanation you can check this out. I think it gives the best general information out there. http://www.ucpnyc.org/info/about/botox.cfm That's the cheery, this is good for your child news. Then there's loads of news out there that's not so cheery. Like the one that says it's not FDA approved for children under 12 but it is still used. Complications of breathing difficulties and death are possible. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/02/09/BUIUUV6G3.DTL While HSP and CP present similarly in gait and ability to treat, that's about where the similarities tend to end. Many CP patients have underlying issues which may be the cause of the problems that have come about from using Botox. Nathan has excellent health (PTL). However, we wouldn't want to find out something too late. Then there's the matter of the injections. It is vitally important that the correct muscles be targeted. I'm certain Dr. Alexander and his team know exactly what they are doing, it's still my Nathan who means more to me than anyone could possibly know. Every time I think of this possibility I get teary eyed and sick to my stomach. There is an option of sedation, but that brings another host of concerns. Without that we have to trust that Nathan will be able to handle the multiple injections with just the numbing cream applied before hand. What happens after that? From my research and brief discussions with his PT, we'll have some very intensive PT over the course of the Botox working to stretch those muscles. And we'll pray like crazy all the while that it works for a long while, it works to stretch, stretch, stretch those muscles and it doesn't affect any other parts of his body or his being. There's a small chance it could weaken the muscles he needs to walk well, especially at first. Oh so heartbreaking. There's also been some discussion about serial casting to really stretch those muscles. Here's some friendly information on that: http://www.sjbhealth.org/16196.cfm. The main thing is that if we do the Botox treatment then we need to take full advantage and stretch him as much as possible while it is effective. Chances are he would have to have more than one treatment since they only last a few months at a time. I don't even want to begin to think of how much this will cost. I can't think that way, if it will help him walk taller and stronger for the rest of his life, it has no monetary cost but a lifelong value.

Jim and I are still discussing this and praying about this and I'm doing a lot of crying about this. Every time I think I've put it in God's hands to have Him resolve it, I grab it back to worry over because I don't feel like I've gotten an answer yet. I'm an impatient sort when it comes to my children. I am however, extremely thankful and ever so grateful that while I'm stressing and crying and extremely anxious about this decision, there are others out there with far greater concerns for their children's health and well-being. My incredibly amazing children are sleeping peacefully in their beds tonight knowing an infinite amount of love from their mom, dad, each other and our heavenly Father. Really, what more can I ask for? Oh, I can ask for a cure to this disease or easier treatment. But I know that I am blessed beyond measure to have them in my life exactly as they are-perfect creations of our Father. I will ask for your prayers as we make this decision, that once a decision is made we'll have peace with it and can go forth with few reservations. I will carry my tissues either way!

Losing touch

2009-09-28T23:28:00.001-04:00

How is it that just opening one book can calm your entire being? With this insanely busy, modern world and life we're in, I've found myself jumping onto biblegateway.com so often when I'm looking up verses or wanting to find some information. Even my quiet time comes from reading a friend's blog then looking up verses online. Now, something's seriously wrong with that on so many levels. There's nothing wrong with having biblegateway as a tool. It's an incredible service. In fact, I love reading a verse in several different Bible versions, especially ones I question or when I need more clarification. I even have fun putting them in different languages and using them as my facebook statuses. Why not? But, I'm losing my touch. My touch for His Word. And wouldn't you know who reconnected me? Brady. That little wonderful bundle of blonde hair blue eyed energy!

My boys are currently fascinated with the Bible. Much better than a fascination with bugs, worms or actually Brady's fascination with boogers & Kodi fur. But, they are drawn to the Bible. One morning last week I went to Nathan's room to get a different shirt for him. There were four Bibles laid open on the floor. Why did my four year old have four Bibles on his floor opened up? "Brady did it." Well, getting a reasonable answer from him is about as easy as getting tights on a toddler. And sorry, folks, I didn't have time to see what pages they were opened to. And part of me was a little frightened to even look-I'm telling you, sometimes my kids weird me out. Do you have any idea what was going through Brady's head that morning? I love attempting to get into Brady's head! But he does love the Bible.

Which brings me to tonight. We were getting ready for bed, he and I were cuddled up, waiting for Nathan to finish brushing his teeth (this takes forever). Brady looks at me and says, "Wait just a second Mommy" and rushes off to his room. He comes right back with a Precious Moments Bible. Now, we've been very intentional the past week including Brady in our Bible time each night after Nathan said, "I don't think Brady knows God or the Bible that well and he really needs to." Nathan's just so quick to always answer that Brady just sits quietly and watches. We've been making sure we ask Brady directly and we've asked Nathan to give Brady a chance to answer as well. As Jim's leading our Bible study, Brady's flipping through the Bible he brought in. He sees writing in it and freaks out that someone has written in it. I explain that we wrote in there about Nathan's dedication to God. Brady was upset that he didn't have one until I convinced him he had his own Bible. Peace reigned! And Brady opened our prayer for us...baby steps. Nathan did the rest of the prayer by himself, you know that had me in tears. As I tucked Brady into bed with his own Bible being tightly gripped, I couldn't help but treasure that moment. I had flipped through the pages with him and shown him the stories of God's faithfulness and love for him. I told him we would read that Bible together and that I couldn't wait to share it with him. And I truly cannot.

Brady's freaking out about writing in the Bible also sparked my attention. I can't write on biblegateway about verses that strike me. I can't highlight them, or write down how/when/who influenced that verse. But my Bible, the one I received from my sweet Jim almost seven years ago, has lots of markings in it. Not enough, but I'm getting there. I share an office with the great Cindy Bailey. One day Brady accidentally knocked over one of her Bibles, she's got one of those that's been so loved and used that the cover is off and I'm not sure Genesis exists. As I was putting it back on the shelf, I noticed it was filled to the brim with writings. That's what I want my children to see when they look at my Bible. Notes from where I prayed for them, about them and others. Times where I was challenged by God and sought after Him. They aren't going to see it if I don't do it. Chances are, they aren't going to do it themselves if I don't do it either. Likewise, they aren't going to have their heads and hearts in it if mine isn't either. And they can't tell if I'm on facebook or biblegateway. So, just as we're making an effort to get Brady more focused on our Bible time, I'm going to make a better effort of being more focused on my own Bible time. With my actual Bible in my hands that oddly enough has a direct line to my heart.

Sea Turtles

2009-09-11T02:27:00.000-04:00

While we were at the beach last week, Jim had the great pleasure of watching and helping sea turtles hatch and make their way into the Atlantic. He came back to our place more excited than any child on Christmas Day. He visited the site for two nights and waited over three hours for this event. As you watch this, I believe you'll hear his voice say, "Unbelievable." I think it's him because it has the same awe in it as when our boys were born! Needless to say, this was one of his "Top Ten" life experiences. Watching it shows we serve a mighty God who creates each one of us perfectly and cares so much for each one of us.

He's just wonderful

2009-09-05T22:29:00.000-04:00

I almost missed out. Almost. Nine years ago I was a first year teacher at Aycock Elementary School in Henderson. If you can believe it, it was time to send out the first progress report. I had forgotten about them, there's a lot to do when you're a first year teacher, you know! They really did sneak up on me. I was walking out the door, excited about my plans for the night, when the teachers in the room next door grumbled to me about finishing their progress reports. YIKES!! Those blasted things needed to be done, my parents would be wondering how their children were responding to the new girl's teaching and I needed to be sure the students were responding to the new girl! I looked at the veteran teacher next door and said, "I'm supposed to go on a kinda-sorta-date tonight. I guess I'll cancel it so I can work on those progress reports." She so nicely looked at me and said, "Those progress reports will still be here in the morning, that kinda-sorta-date will not."

See, that's a hard lesson that I'm constantly learning. I feel like I always have to be there (wherever there is) or something won't get done. I even did this when I was pregnant with Harris, I wanted to be there until the last minute-like the school couldn't function without me. When will I learn that I'm not that important and life can very easily go on without me? You would think I would have learned it nine years ago.

My kinda-sorta-date was with this guy Jim. We met at a Bible study in Henderson. I knew most of the people there because it was in Henderson and well, at the time it was hard to not know most of the people in Henderson. Except this guy Jim. He talked funny. He was from Massachusetts. Going on a kinda-sorta-date with him was as close to sacreligious as I could get (yes, grandparents rolling in graves kind of thing). Before this kinda-sorta-date, we had talked within the group and someone mentioned TipTop Restaurant. I hesitate to even put Restaurant at the end of TipTop, but I suppose it's the proper thing to do. This guy Jim wanted to know more about it and other Henderson (oh, so many things) establishments. Being proud of my roots that I've sadly been so quick to forget and escape since, I quickly offered a tour to this guy Jim and any other foreigners. He was the only one to accept. Everyone had everyone's phone numbers because that's what you do in a small town Bible study so he called one day and asked about the tour. I was in Raleigh with my friend Kathy. We discussed another date, not date date, but date as in time and place for an event. This guy Jim worked in RTP so he got home around 4:30ish, right when I was leaving school (yeah, right) so we planned for a dinner on Sept. 6. Which just happened to be the night I should have been working on progress reports. Oh well, God always has better plans for our lives if we just believe.

We met at Pino's, a small Italian place in Henderson. We both get out of our cars (not a date, see) at the same time. He starts walking to the door. It's then I notice him walking differently. I hadn't noticed this before. Sidenote here-I had spent the better (much better) part of the summer with my sister, Candi and her now husband, Curt. Curt is an adorable goofball. He and his family are true classclowns who will try to make you laugh and will do silly things to get you riled up. Wearing silly hats or clothes or Grinch costumes is not uncommon for a Tucker. It's fun and exactly what I needed that summer and what I had been used to. Which leads me to my next dumb, thoughtless comment to this guy Jim.

Me: "What are you doing?"

Jim: "What?"

Me: "Why are you walking like that?"

Jim: "I always walk like this?"

Me: "No you don't."

Jim: "Yes, I do, I have Spastic Paraplegia."

Me: "No, you're making that up."

Jim: "No, it's what I have. Why would I make that up?"

Me, inserting foot into mouth. Somehow I stumble into a seat in the restaurant and manage to order something while apologizing profusely. This guy Jim takes it all in stride (he's just that wonderful) and thinks nothing of it. Wow, if that were me I would be blowing off this chick and never looking back. See, from the beginning Jim's always seen more in me than I'll ever see in myself. Back to the kinda-sorta-date. We ate and talked and talked and talked. I had no idea I could talk to someone that much. I don't remember what time our date began, but I know we ended up talking until close to midnight. I didn't know where or if this was headed somewhere. Especially after the way my big mouth started the night. I do know I was on cloud nine. I am pretty sure I hopped into school the next day and every day after. My great assistant, Malinda, would be able to tell you that! I'm sure I drove her batty talking about this guy Jim.

Over the next few weeks and months our relationship escalated into this guy Jim becoming THE ONE. I would talk to my friends from college and say, "He's just so wonderful" and giggle. I think it was the giggle that caught most of them off guard. Certainly those closest to me that summer. Prior to meeting Mr. Wonderful I had dated and been engaged to someone for five years. I'm quick to say that's five years I wasted of college experiences and life. That's a lot of time for mistakes and things that I have spent too much time dwelling on-you must put the past behind you. I was broken, battered and bruised and spent much of the summer healing with family & friends and their prayers and my time (not enough) with God. I was stronger in some ways, yet still weak in lots of others. I wanted and still want to be a better person for God, a better servant for Him. I was never expecting to come across Mr. Wonderful in Henderson at a Bible study. Oh, how great are the plans of our Father. Jim has allowed our Father to use him to make me into that better person. More loving, giving, caring, and kind. Because that's who Jim is. He taught me about agape love which he lives out every day. He defines it. Jim loves me whether I have on a pretty dress or the same sweats for three days, makeup or he actually prefers none, does he even notice if my hair is brushed? He could care less if I lose 30 pounds or gain 60, he knows I would feel better about myself but to him he honestly doesn't care. He is going to love me because he loves me. I'm sure you've heard this song, if you haven't I don't know where you're hiding, but it makes me think of how Jim loves me. It's a lot like the way God loves me. I am so blessed.

You could say the rest is history, but it's so not. We've only just begun. We've promised each other 100 years. We know the road is bumpy-we've had some seriously high speed bumps in our almost eight years of marriage. He's lost both parents and we've got an angel baby. My grandmother passed away. His brother and his wife, whom Jim and I adored and looked up to, divorced. His family is in Massachusetts. We've also celebrated some pretty awesome things. We've got two incredible children with us on earth, good health, joy in our hearts and our dog is still with us! We've also celebrated one of my sisters getting married and having two children of her own. His sister got married. All of this is life and we're doing it TOGETHER. So today I'm celebrating that nine years ago I listened to a wiser woman and went on a kinda-sorta-date with a *gasp* Yankee who turned out to be wonderful Jim, my precious husband and father to our three children. Without him I couldn't even have this awesome blog about our two gifts from God!

Green pastures

2009-08-27T13:44:00.000-04:00

"The Lord is like a shepherd to me.

A shepherd takes care of his sheep.

The Lord takes care of me.

He give me everything I need.

He gives me nice places to rest and good water to drink.

He helps me to be strong.

He helps me do the right things.

Even when something sad happens, I am not afraid.

I know the Lord will be with me.

The Lord makes me strong when I face my enemies.

He honors me.

He gives me more than I need.

I know God will love me all my life.

And I will live with Him forever."

"With everything you know about Heaven

2009-08-27T00:23:00.000-04:00

would you want them back?" ~ Tony Dungee

Yes, in a selfish heartbeat I would. But then I think about how awesome Heaven is and no, sweet baby, enjoy Heaven, I'll be there one day. We'll all be there together for eternity. This life here is short, so short compared to where you are.

I wish I could write with something witty or fun or happy since I know my last post wasn't. Of course there have been some fun times here, I have two amazing kids. But I am heavily burdened by recent news and I've learned that by getting it out (unfortunately to you who read this) I am eased somewhat by that burden.

My sister called me yesterday afternoon, you know the first day of school I was dreading, to give me some awful news. I knew it was bad when I realized my sister, Candi, was calling me in the middle of the first day of school. At first I thought, is it our other sister, our parents, her husband or children? No, her best friend, Lindsay's four month old son, Ayden, died in his sleep while at daycare. Lindsay and her husband, Jeremy, are both teachers so they were having their first day of school, too. I know they will never have a first day of school again without remembering this one. They got a call from the sitter that Ayden wouldn't wake up, she had called 911 and they couldn't help him. FOUR months old. Here's where you say I can't imagine and honestly I can't. I can't imagine having my sons for four months, four years, forever and losing them. I had Harris for 9 months, sent him to Heaven and haven't been the same person since. Yet I cannot imagine completely what Lindsay and Jeremy are going through. My sister asked for advice, what to say. I said not to say anything. You wouldn't believe some of the things people will say thinking they mean well not realizing how hurtful they are. Hugs and simply being there, talking about him are the greatest gifts. I've only met them once, just before Lindsay had Ayden. We were at my niece's 3rd birthday party, she was so ready and excited to have him. She is such a sweet person.

My sister is absolutely crushed. I cry out to God in pain, "How often does one person have to suffer? And why so much at once?" My sister is so strong, so amazing, so loving, so giving and one of the greatest people I know. That's why I'm asking God why she's having to suffer and be in death's face so much. One of the things I vividly remember from Harris' death (thankfully I'm very forgetful so some things I've forgotten other things I remember as if they happen yesterday) is the faces of our family and friends when they came to visit. Candi's is one of those faces that will not escape my memory. The heartache she suffered for me, my loss and her loss of a nephew, too, was unbearable and clearly visible in her beautiful eyes. She drove so quickly from Henderson to Burlington and hardly ever left my side. There were so many things she did for me. So many things I cannot even tell you about because I wasn't even aware of them. She took note of every person who visited, everything they brought, wrote thank you notes, handled just about every detail of the funeral-all while grieving. On the day of his funeral she fixed my hair for me, it was one of those things I simply couldn't do for myself. She took great care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. She wasn't alone in caring for me, there were countless others and hordes praying for us. But right now, Candi has been through so much. Two months ago today Ma Tuck went to heaven followed by Mr. Tucker's brother the next week. Then Candi's big old cat. Please pray for Lindsay and Jeremy. Please pray for my sister Candi as she takes care of her friend.

I serve a big, mighty, awesome God. He promises to never leave us, nor forsake us. He reminds us to not be afraid for He is with us. He gives us eternal HOPE. I hold onto Him during these times, I cry out to Him in anger and frustration-He can handle it. I praise Him still for my gifts from God, for the thousands of blessings He pours out on my life. I hold onto the HOPE that can only come from HIM.

He offered that reminder of His promises and His hope for my life today when I got a text from Sarah (aka Fafa) Apel. She was our Angel Nurse when Harris was born. She took such great care of us. She even came to his funeral. We became great friends. When Nathan & Brady were born she was such a big part of their births and has been a part of their lives ever since. Her text this morning "We're in labor! Will text back when he makes his grand entrance!!" at 9:44 am. I started praying. Then I realized I was still mad at God. You know how when you're mad at someone you don't want to ask them for something? That's how I was. I told God that. That I needed to talk to Him about Fafa & baby Will but I was a still upset about Ayden. I know He's upset about Ayden, too, but sometimes the one-sided conversations with God are difficult. I asked Nathan to pray for Fafa and baby Will. It was the sweetest thing in the world. I got a picture text at 2:33pm with a sweet Will being held by his beautiful mommy. God is good, guys. God offers hope. God is good all the time. I pray Fafa and Josh are resting peacefully with baby Will tonight.

I pray Lindsay and Jeremy are finding comfort in their Father's hands and in the loving arms of those closest to them.

Thanks for letting me share my heart's burdens. Thank you for praying for these people-Lindsay, Jeremy, Candi, Josh, Sarah and baby Will. May God be with each of you and may you hold your gfGs a little tighter.

gfG=gifts from God, mine are Nathan, Brady and Jim

Here's a video from the Celebration for baby Ayden-have your tissues and someone to hug handy:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=144851781203&ref=share

Should be

2009-08-21T23:17:00.000-04:00

preparing to send our first son to kindergarten this year. A few years ago I knew this year was coming and mentally prepared myself for it. Then I "forgot." Harris' 5th birthday rolled around and like each birthday it's the most painful day of my life. Every year, January 14-excruciatingly painful. No matter how hard I try to not let it be. Each year I say it's so hard because he would be doing this, should be doing this. This year, in a few days, he would be going to kindergarten. It nailed me about two weeks ago in Petsmart. It's one of those things that will grab you by the throat and won't let go. It's not as if a day goes by I don't think of Harris, it's just many days I envision him in Heaven with God and so many of our other loved ones that I know he's in a much much better place so I don't get slammed so hard. I ran into the teacher who graciously took my classroom when I had Nathan. If you haven't seen Nathan or don't know him, he's larger than life. And I mean that in several ways. But for this reference I mean, taller than your average four year old. Liz said, "So, you're heading to kindergarten this fall?" BAM! Each time I get nailed by the reminder I can honestly feel the light in my eyes dimming. I'm sure others can't see it, but I feel myself shutting down. Liz probably thought I was blowing her off or being rude or just an idiot, but I simply said in rapid speed, "No, Nathan's heading to preschool at SMC. We're very excited, he can't wait. I've got to go. Great running into you. You look fabulous. Have a great year." Then I came home and was pretty much useless for the rest of the day.

Jim's learned in five and a half years (gulp) that I'm having a Harris moment/day/week/month and I need space/love/cuddling/chocolate/not to cook/to bake, whatever it takes to get me through it. However most of the time neither of us knows how to get me through it other than time, the love of each other, our precious boys here on earth and tons of praying. We normally wait until the boys are asleep to talk about. The boys know all about their special angel. Nathan knows that chances are if Mommy's sad it's because she's missing Harris. He's so great about giving me the pep talk: "Mommy, Harris is with God, I know you miss him, I miss him, too. But he's having a good time with God and we'll see him one day. I love you, Mommy." Followed by lots of love. Brady's version: "Mommy, why are you crying?" Then attacking me in some form! But we avoid talking about him when I've been nailed because we don't want them to feel any more oppressed about it. I can remember that feeling as a child-the entire month of December was awful at my house and we try so very hard to not do that in January for the boys.

Anyway, on this night, we get in bed and Jim asks me how I'm doing. I lose it. I tell him we are supposed to be getting ready for school, buying gobs and gobs of school supplies (I cannot wait for this, I LOVE new school supplies-I think that's one of the reasons I became a teacher), new clothes, meeting the teacher, and preparing to send our first child to school. This is where Jim and I truly speak pink and blue. That was a message Bob did in the fall-men speak blue, women speak pink; finding violet is so hard sometimes! Maybe it's not even pink and blue, maybe it's just me. He doesn't think about what all could have been, he doesn't allow himself to. Meanwhile I'm running into people or reading facebook posts about people sending their kids to kindergarten and becoming a mess right before their eyes. Part of me is insanely jealous of Jim's ability to do what he does with his emotions, however, there's something in me that's not willing to let the "should be" go. Since Harris and Nathan are only 11 months apart I can easily know that the class before Nathan's would be his class, those kids have their license, so should he, those kids are going to prom, so should he.

Our first son should be going to kindergarten Tuesday, instead he's dancing with angels.

mine, Mine, MINE

2009-08-18T13:23:00.000-04:00

Finding Nemo made those words cutely popular in 2003. My family and I jokingly say them when one of us gets a case of the gimmies. However, this week I do not want to share. I have pinkeye for the first time in my life. It's painful and annoying and oh so bothersome. I've had some eye problems before. I had a Chalazion in the 4th grade that had to be surgically removed (not fun, mom passed out watching it!). I've had a few styes. I wear contacts, I consider myself almost blind without some sort of eyewear. Don't ask me to see anything without light, darkness and I are not friends. I'm not afraid of it, I just cannot see! Eye problems don't bother me. However, as my sister said, "Those are some mighty big eyes to be pink." Gotta love her!

I do not want to share my germiness with my family so I'm screaming MINE, MINE, MINE to my boys to keep my germs to myself. I'm keeping them at arms length to avoid contact at all costs knowing how wildly contagious this mess is. Nathan's got it perfectly under control, even drawing pictures of me with one eye stuck closed and the other open. Brady, on the other hand, still wants to cuddle and be kissed and loved on. It's only been a full two days, but my arms ache with longing to hold and cuddle my gifts from God. It's one thing to be away on a trip or be pestered to pieces and need a break. It's another to be in the same room and want to hold them or for them to want to hold me and know that doing so could jeopardize their health.

Last night we were supposed to join Jim's link group on a trip to a Greensboro Grasshoppers game. Nathan was so excited about going until I told him we wouldn't be going because I didn't want to give my germs to all the people there. That was one heartbroken little guy. We've promised him we'll go next week (let's hope no one else gets this)! If anyone wants to join us, we've been gifted lots of free lawn seats, so let us know.

Today I was supposed to go to a retirement luncheon for a dear lady at work. I sadly had to decline to avoid getting anyone else sick. Yes, I'm pouty about missing out on all these fun things!

BUT, I remember a facebook post from a friend just last week who was feeling under the weather. She said, "not feeling very well! However, when I don't feel good....I just think about all those people around me that are having much serious health issuses and suddenly my problem is sooo small. Thank you Lord for overall good health! I am so thankful!" What a beautiful reminder of all I do have to be thankful for. Oddly enough Saturday night I was sitting at church during announcements thinking of this sore throat I've had for a few days and started thanking God for keeping me healthy. Our entire family has been blessed with good health the past few years, very few colds and now just this. That's pretty good considering we've got two little people and I work with lots of youth! Preschool's coming, I know! :) Like my friend's post I was thinking about others who suffer regularly with pain or serious medical conditions. I thought of this family, http://www.littlepapiandpunkin.blogspot.com/. Sweet Julia is fighting for her life, battling ugly cancer. We went to Westover with this family. Their son Carter was born a few weeks before Harris. Mom Amber is a super mom, really, one of those moms you wonder if she ever sleeps because she's able to do so much. She runs circles around me and always has, I'll admit to being wickedly jealous of her. And now her sweet Julia is being attacked by cancer and here I am whining about pinkeye. If you have some extra time, read about Julia-read a bit of the before cancer to see how their life was (how super mom Amber was then and still is now!) and how the ugliness of cancer has changed their life. But read carefully to see how GOD has held them carefully in the palm of His hand and never let them go. He will never leave you nor forsake you. This family knew that before and is a testiment to that now. Check out that beautiful new beach picture, too. Julia used to have these adorable curls, now, well, you'll see.

WE

2009-08-14T15:15:00.000-04:00

That's our new series title for Crossings. I cannot wait to begin my third year with the most amazing group of students and volunteers. Something almost magical happens when you walk into Reformation Hall that changes you, well, at least me. My heart is opened to God's calling and I want to be more like Him, I want to serve Him and I get to do that every Sunday night. I'm so blessed that I get to be a part of something so incredibly awesome and call it work!

I don't think I'm giving too much away for Crossings folks with this post because you know Jarm and the team will make it so awesome that what I have to say will be a vague memory by September 13th!!! But that's not what this post is about.

The series, WE. Conjures up lots of things with two little letters, doesn't it. When I first opened up the series I thought about when Jim and I became a WE. The real WE, not the dating WE or the engaged WE, but the November 17th WE. The Shea giggling down the aisle, Jim losing his breath, most magical day of our lives WE. The day two became WE-one. That WE led into the next WE thought where we've carried each other through some of the most difficult times a WE should have to carry. Jim's sweet dad went to Heaven the April after we became WE. After waking up from surgery and hearing our doctor tell us about Harris I looked up at Jim and said WE're still together. Three years ago Jim's mother died suddenly of a heart attack. My grandmother passed just this April. WE have carried each other through those heart breaking times. Then there are those other times where WE've thrown each other up in the air with excitement and celebration-December 7 and November 21 to be exact! Our wonderful, prayed for and cherished gifts from God completed our WE. Our WE has grown and WE are so thankfully blessed. I have so much, yet I sometimes feel like I'm missing something. I have God, yet I sometimes feel like I'm missing out on something.

WE. I am so busy caught up in the ME that I so often forget the WE of other relationships outside of my immediate WE. Are you following me here? I am guilty of being self-centered, especially when it comes to my family to the point where I've neglected some really great friends and neglected to make new friends. This has left me in a sad state that I didn't truly realize until I came across this new series. I get so wrapped up in what Nathan and Brady are doing or need to do (or what I'm supposed to be doing ) that I can't remember what's going on in your life or your childrens' lives. Shame on me, I want to be a more caring person. If you're one of my friends, I apologize for that now.

This also means that when I have a need (normally just your typical womanly emotional need, nothing drastic, just something a good milkshake or chocolate chip cookie would handle) I don't let others know it since I haven't fully invested time in them I shouldn't allow them to invest time in me. So I "suffer" alone, actually I make Jim and the boys suffer with me. That's not healthy for anyone! God created more than one person, you remember He gave Eve to Adam, so that he wouldn't be lonely or bored or get in trouble-well, I'm not sure that was part of the plan-hope not! Anyway, those other people God created are for us to have in our lives not just in times of need, but all the time. Since reviewing the new series I've tried to make a more conscious effort of contacting people or getting in touch with them, but I'm afraid of failing them or letting them down. That's always one of my fears of anything I do. I've had the same best friend (outside of Jim) for going on thirteen years (some of you are barely thirteen!!!) She knows me too well, but she lives too far away! We'll always be best friends because she knows me too well!

If you're one of my local friends, please bare with me as I'm trying hard to be a better WE. I want you in my life, I care about you, I'm thankful God has placed you in my life and let's please try to stay in touch on a regular basis (of course that does normally mean I've either got a monkey or two in tow or may not be able to hear you on the phone!). If you're a long distance or veteran friend, I'm so thankful God placed you in my life when He did. He has perfect timing for everything, to mold us and shape us into who we are today. To my bestest, thank you for always loving me, no matter what-you model God's love beautifully. Jim, thanks for sharing the WE with me, I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else- I love you toe mush!

If you're reading my blog for the first time, thanks for reading. I'll try to update more regularly. It's kinda when the mood strikes, when the laundry's caught up and the creativity's flowing enough to make this interesting enough to read!

Thankful

2009-07-19T21:31:00.000-04:00

My heart is so full of gratitude right now. The boys and I have been "home alone" since Tuesday night at 1:30am (that makes it technically Wednesday morning, doesn't it?). Jim went on a great trip with our middle school group to Jonathan Creek Camp in Hardin, KY. 54 middle school students and chaperones on a bus for a long, exhausting trip full of pranks, fun and time with our most awesome GOD! I knew he would have a great time, camp is right up his alley and bonding with his now 7th grade guys is very important so I am very excited for him to have had this opportunity!

However, I was so freaked out about being home alone mainly because Brady has not let me put him to bed since he weaned himself at close to one year. I had been imagining a week of sleepless nights or of me trying to sleep with him (ha, not happening)! Needless to say I was a bit of a freak all day Wednesday just dreading the bedtime routine. Everything went as well as it normally does, we did everything we always do with Jim and he gave me all of his pointers for handling Brady. I took Brady into his room and he didn't even utter a cry! It was purely a miracle. He did call down for me at 10:30 crying his eyes out, but Jim had prepared me with what to say so I was ready and knew how to handle it. Then Nathan woke up at 12:30 crying and I knew how to handle him. Ah, super mom here I come! No more problems the rest of the week, the boys went to bed without a single problem each night and it's been pure bliss at bedtime. I am so THANKFUL for easy bedtimes! All that stress for nothing! I SHOULD learn from this, should learn to not stress the little things, but will I? No, I'm sure that next summer, should Jim go to camp again I'll probably get a little freaked again! Not to mention that the boys connived against me and coerced me into allowing Brady to wear his underwear to bed two nights ago. Two nights, no accidents. We'll see what happens tonight. Potty training him has been a breeze-I'm not sure if it's the second go-round or if he's just been easier, but I'm so THANKFUL!

Our nightly routine consists of the four of us sitting on Nathan's bed together reading, joking, and praying. We pick a fun book then we read our family devotional from HiHo (Leading Little Ones to God). I've taken the memory verses and put them on sentence strips and Nathan loves having them to look at each night. One of the highlights of the night is selecting a joke from the joke book the boys made for Jim for Father's Day this year. Tonight's joke was "What makes the zzub zzub sound? A bee flying backwards." Some of them are so cheesy, but the boys sure do enjoy them! In Jim's absence, Brady's been asking Nathan to start our prayer. Here's how Nathan started tonight: "Dear Lord, thank you for this day. Thank you for my brother Brady. Please look after him always and thank you for giving him to us. We love you. Amen" Well, I always cry when I pray outloud as it is. So you know I was leaking faucets with this one. Our devotional had been about loving and trusting God no matter what the circumstance. I shared with them how hard it had been to continue trusting and loving God when Harris died but that we must always trust and love Him. That He is true and just and has a beautiful, perfect plan for our lives. Nathan and Brady are part of that perfect plan for our lives and they are our gift from Him. I always want them to know that. His perfect plan for our lives is having these two amazing children who bring us immeasurable joy. Nathan understood that and captured it in his prayer of gratitude for his brother. I am so THANKFUL for the gift of my boys and the gift they are to each other!

Jim will be home in about two hours. I am so so so so so so so THANKFUL for that! I'm quite exhausted. I don't know how single parents do this. I've had to take the boys to work with me throughout the week and this weekend. I'm fortunate that I CAN take them, but it's not easy. They feel more than at home at church. They behave at home (most of the time), they go kind of crazy at church! They know where each person has candy in their office, who has toys, and that I have to be there so there's only so much I can do. They must think the lobby is some mini-gym for them to run around in-great, huh? I am THANKFUL to be going to work alone this week and I'm quite certain my coworkers are, too! I'm sure they "love" my children but everyone has their limits and those limits may have been met this week!

Happy heart, full of gratitude! Maybe I'll be back to creatively blogging again now!

Slow down the clock

2009-06-16T19:01:00.000-04:00

During dinner I sat quietly watching Nathan. I so desperately wanted to capture that one moment of him and savor it. Even more than the oh-so-delicious chocolate cake I made last night! He was taking FOREVER to eat dinner because he was sharing so much of his precious mind with us. It started with, "I think we should have two more people come and stay with us for a while." This is obviously to fill up the two empty seats at the end of the table. I must say that he has taken over the head of the table, quite priceless! Then he adds, "How long will we eat at the dining room table?" Well, tonight it would seem like forever, but I'm not sure what he was getting at with that. One bite of chicken followed by about two or three life pondering questions. I love his brain. Love, love, love it!

I just wanted to somehow put him in one of those amber filled compartments like they put bugs in. You know, the ones you find at fancy jewelry stores or science museums. But I want to keep him alive and not lose this moment at the same time. How can I do that? How can I continue to watch him grow but keep up with where he is right now and all the amazing things he's doing right now? It's like he's growing into this absolutely incredibly amazing little person right in front of me and there's nothing I can do to stop it and nothing I can do to record it all and I don't want to miss any of it. And I know there's Brady right next to him doing the exact same thing-even faster! Brady is growing at warp speed. I looked over at him tonight and couldn't believe his legs were so long and we're almost out of diapers FOREVER and the crib has been gone for a year now. My baby is not my baby, but yay, he still sucks his thumb & will not relinquish his bunny for anything-there's still some baby left in him! I may regret saying that!

They have to grow up, I know that. I'm beyond thankful for that gift of life, of renewed hope that I thought I lost five years ago. They are my gifts from God and I am so grateful. Right now I am typing this one-handed as Brady sits on my knee and laughs hysterically at his favorite show, Funniest Home Videos. I fully expect to see our family on there one day. I love watching this with them, Brady's cackle is contagious-inherited from his wonderful daddy and he throws his head back after each video. One of them will even say, "That'll leave a mark" after someone gets banged up. As I'm holding him I can feel his stomach contract just before each one because he's getting ready to laugh. At each commercial he says, "Are Funniest Videos over?" And we say, "No," and he just laughs and laughs. Life is good. Does it get better than this? Oh yeah, the tickle monster must attack...

AWESOME tees

2009-05-30T09:51:00.000-04:00

I got this link from a friend on facebook about these Christian tees for women. Check it out on the bottom of my site! :) I don't know about you, but I've been searching for these. They are hard to find, your average Lifeway and Family just aren't going to have them. So finding this treasure is such a treat! I have a wishlist now, the only problem is picking which one I want first! There are so many to choose from! Do I pick based on the verse, the style, or the color? Hmmm, decisions, decisions. For someone who cannot make decisions, this is sooooo hard!!

Check them out, support these hard working moms who love God, love people and dress yourself in His word. Sounds like a good plan to me!

# 1-ORANGE!

2009-05-20T20:58:00.000-04:00

I promised to talk about things from my list and I will-after I share from my heart about my experience on the playground today. A dear friend called this morning and invited us to the park for a picnic and playdate. The cool thing is we haven't been able to do this in forever because our dates never work out and the other cool thing is this friend is one of Nathan's "girlfriends." The other cool thing is that this friend is one of those very few people I can totally be myself with, I have a hard time doing that with everyone. It's not about them, it's all about me, you know the stinky old self image deal. Aims is about the only one I let myself just "be" with. So it's nice to have someone like her around here. BUT, I woke up having one of those really down days where I wanted to just stay in bed and cuddle with two little monkeys. I guess God made her call me or I would still be in my sweats without a shower right now (Jim's so thankful for her!). I got a move on despite my funk, worked out despite feeling like it's useless right now and actually got to the park only 10 minutes later than planned. Nathan was so excited to see his girlfriend and eat his BK lunch, don't think he's even had one before. Brady was excited to have my fries and his apples and his nuggets! They ate quickly and voraciously attacked Springwood Park. Fun, fun, fun! Brady doesn't think there's anything that he can't do, he'll even tell you that. Some of those climby things freak me out, his legs just don't stretch that far-geez, mine have a hard time stretching that far!!! He was in that tubey thing trying to go up because he had seen Nathan do it and if Nathan can do it, Brady will try his best to do it. So there he is, trying hard to do it when three older chicks stand at the top of the tubey thing look down at him. They then proceed to slide on down, right over my Brady. I'm standing right there, HELLO?!! Brady just lets it all pass, no sweat, he's used to falling and getting right back up, right? He tries again, this time his big brother has noticed the big girls (about 7-8 years old, why aren't they in school?) so Nathan is behind him and his girlfriend is behind him. Nathan is trying to boost Brady up and the big girls slide down AGAIN. My crowd again is not too phased, I think I have smoke coming from my ears, but I try to let kids manage playground stuff. Brady tries again with Nathan giving his bottom a boost. The now titled MEGs (mean elementary girls) stand at the top of the tube and starting laughing. One even says, "Let's make fun of them and laugh at them." WHOA, now that's just not nice. And Nathan tells them they are not being nice. They continue laughing and my crowd continues pushing. Finally I crawl in the tube (no laughing at the image created with that one!) and begin to push a bum up the tube. MEGs come back and start laughing until they see me and I respond with, "Must be easy to make fun of someone half your age." I finish pushing my two bums up and Nathan's girlfriend makes it up on her own. The MEGs continued to laugh at my boys throughout our time at the park until my friend and I were just done and ready to go. Hate leaving a park because of three little mean elementary girls. Seriously, now they will grow up to be mean adult women who treat others rudely. Unless someone intervenes and changes their hearts which leads this brokenhearted mama into her discussion on ORANGE! In a minute, though. I must confess that I am SOOOO very proud of Nathan for standing up for his brother and his friend by telling those older girls that laughing at them was not nice. He's one pretty amazingly awesome wonderful kid! I'm blessed beyond measure to have those two guys. And just this morning Nathan and I were talking about others and how we treat them. My pastor talked a while ago about a classmate of his named Leonard and I was sharing that with Nathan. The essence of the Leonard story is that there will be different people in this world; some will dress differently, wear glasses, smell funny, some may not walk well, some may be in wheelchairs, some may not be good readers, some may be have different colored skin, hair, eyes or no hair at all. But, God made each and every one of them and He has called us to love them and treat them the way we want to be treated. No matter what. Love God, Love People, that's what it's all about. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. I got tons of support from my facebook friends. But starting my day off in a funk and having my sweet, precious boys picked on is not great.

ORANGE

Yep, it's a great, cheerful color, one of Jim's favorites and it can speak volumes for your ministry! Last year our youth and childrens ministry team went ORANGE and tried to share that vision with the church. I thought I had the vision, I understood it enough to explain it, but it was not in my heart. It was not my passion, it was not transforming me or the way I want to do ministry. If you're reading and thinking, oh, I'm not in ministry, this doesn't apply to me, you're wrong. If you have children and you want to grow in teaching them to have a relationship with Christ, then you may want to read a bit more, I have a great tool for you. After attending the ORANGE conference last month I now have the vision, I am transformed, I cannot wait to make it a contagious force within my church. I want my entire church (and yours) to capture this ORANGE vision and create a change that will strengthen families.

The ORANGE Conference is about bringing children and youth leaders together to guide and direct them on leading our children to Christ and a relationship with Him. I just had a typo where I had REALationship. Hmmm, not quite a typo is it? Sorry, got distracted there. I don't know about you, but there's nothing I want more in this world than for Nathan and Brady to have a real personal relationship with Him. When they were first born I struggled with singing classic children's songs or Christian songs or reading Christian stories over secular stories. I know, it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but I'm weird like that. I realized two things. 1. If I make sure God always has first place in their lives He's going to take care of everything else in their lives (from the alphabet to their future finances). 2. He's going to take care of everything so we'll do a good mix of both! So far, I think it's working. :)

I experienced an amazing time of worship (love Steve Fee, Kristian Stanfill and Phil Wickham) and Francis Chan totally knocked my socks off! I had breakout sessions with some people who are doing church in ways that made me say, I want us to do that, how can we do that??? My brain started going on overdrive and it's not slowing down!! SMC watch out! I heard some great speakers and bought a book that I'm slowly devouring. I bet if I enjoyed my food as much as I enjoy this book I would lose some weight! It talks about what ORANGE is all about. I'm only on page 91, yes if you know me I normally read a book a day. The entire Twilight series in 4 days anyone? I'm taking this one piece by piece because it's meaningful for not just our ministry, but for my family. My prayer while at ORANGE was that I would be a better parent. I came home and felt like my prayer had been immediately answered. There was so much peace in my home. That peace has slowly dissolved and I need to get at the heart of what created that peace and how it can be a constant. I feel like that can be found in this book because this book is about families and making sure our connection to God is our top priority. Or maybe I just need to get away again... It will be available for purchase soon, it's called Think Orange: Imagine the Impact When Church and Family Collide. It's "about two entities partnering to make a greater impact or to create a better solution." It's good, well, the first 91 pages are and if you only get something out of those pages, you've spent good money. I think my highlighter is spent from those 91 pages!

If you ever have the chance to attend an ORANGE Conference or a Catalyst Conference, GO! I was hesitant because that means leaving my family, but this was beyond worth it! I'm so thankful my church thinks enough of me to send me. I'm hopeful I can give back a little something of what I gained there. We're off to a great ORANGE summer. If you have any ideas of any ORANGE things, anything no matter how whacky or outrageous they may seem, send them my way. ORANGE foods, ORANGE games, ORANGE skits, you name it, if it's ORANGE, I want to know about it! Also looking for some ORANGE clothes, my one ORANGE t-shirt from last summer may not make it. If you see something that looks nice on sale in the area, let me know so I can grab it!

Oh, and what does ORANGE mean? Here you go, if you haven't heard it, I hope you love it as much as I do! We all know that red and yellow together make ORANGE. Imagine the church being yellow (the light of Christ) and families being red (the heart). Put it together and you get ORANGE. You get the heart/love and the light of Christ in one as it should be. They weren't meant to be separated. Be ORANGE.

Miss me?

2009-05-16T22:55:00.000-04:00

I have SOOOO much I want to write about but I'm going to have to take a couple days, weeks, months, years; well, you know, to get it done. So I'll just briefly tell you what's to come so you'll have something to look forward to. Consider it a sneak peek! :)

1. ORANGE rocked my world and I don't know if I'll be able to put it into words. This may be it. Nah, I really want to attempt to explain my ORANGE fever to you guys to help you understand where my brain will be the next few months. I am beyond grateful for Jim for being totally cool with me going and being such an awesome dad who LOVES staying home with our boys. He's really amazing. Can I just say chocolate covered hot dogs?

2. Some health issues. Nathan's starting to dislike PT. Yikes. He's in it for the long haul. Nathan's first dentist appointment with the great Tracy Edwards. Oh yeah, my little guy being brave, at least trying to! :) No cavities! Then there's the great praise---Brady went to Dr. Weiner at Duke for his LAST visit Friday. Everything's great, here's the quote, "No one will ever even know he's had surgery." Well, this mama hopes no one's really looking. Mama's are supposed to feel that way! And for me, the scale FINALLY moved down a full 2 lbs. after not budging for two months. That's nice. :) I've also been headache free for a while. I had one while in ATL, but that was from no sleep and some really awesome (loud) worship music. BUT, my headache prevention meds cause me to have some memory problems. For instance, today at girl Lowes (that would be the grocery store vs. the home improvement store, man Lowes) I ran into someone and called him by his father's name. He was so embarrassed and told his dad who was quick to correct me. SOO embarrassing. Then tonight at church I called one of our pastor's kids Makayla and her brother was like, it's Makenna. These are things I KNOW, but my brain is not able to process that info. Or you'll ask me a simple question and my brain may not be able to open that drawer to get the answer so we both end up frustrated. It's embarrassing because in those short passing by conversations you can't tell someone that your meds make your brain a little loopy sometimes so they just think you're loopy. Jim says he prefers me to not be in pain over being able to remember things. Since I've been without the pain for a nice (lovin' it) time now, I don't remember if it's really that bad. It was, wasn't it?

3. In the past few weeks, I've had some incredible words of encouragement said on my behalf. They have been sparked by God so He's either preparing my heart for a time of heartache when I'll need those words or He knows how much those words have been a balm and a much needed spirit booster, perhaps a bit of both. Two newish friends. I say newish, because I characterize my life as BH and AH. Before Harris and After Harris. Odd, I know, but I am a different person that I was as his mother. So these are AHers. Sweet, dear women. One of them worked with the great Fafa (that would be Sarah Apel, my nurse/angel/friend/support) so she knows probably more about the ins and outs of Harris than I can remember. The other one I met last year and she is just so sweet. Anyway, they both said they admire me. I've never considered myself worthy of admiration so it took me completely by surprise. I'm still kinda stumped. They are both awesome women I adore! Jolene and Sara, if you come across this, I hope you know how much your words have meant to me. I also have to tell you about this incredible note of affirmation I got from a link leader and a student...but not now! Ooo, it's so perfectly wonderful!

4. Did I say I was psyched about kicking off ORANGE at SMC? Jarm's allowed me to take over Huddle Times with our link leaders on Sunday nights. This is a biggie for lots of reasons. But the big one is I LOVE it! Sorry Aims, I just said biggie! Anyway, I love my volunteers. Anyone who willingly signs up to spend hours with middle and high school students each week to love on them, encourage them, pray for them and pour their lives into them is my hero (lucky me, I'm married to one of them, too!). My first week BOMBED! More about this later.

See, you're just getting tidbits here. Just wondering if anyone other than my precious Aims is reading and really interested in getting more here!

I've also had quite a few philosophical questions that pop into my head. You know the ones that come right as you've just applied the shaving cream to your legs and the kids come barging into not just the bathroom, but burst open the shower curtain. Yep, those thoughts. So, if I'm able to remember any of them, I want to ask them and get some thoughts. Here's the first highly philosophical question of the day:

Do you think I should cut my hair much shorter? HAHAHA Sorry, just had to throw that one out there. Okay, here goes with a bit of a background.

Our Bible story for tonight was on Elijah and Elisha. To begin with, I'm sure this was confusing the gibblets out of Nathan. I was confusing myself. Why couldn't they have named them Elijah and Boomer or something a bit easier to distinguish? I'll be up reading a bit deeper into that story tonight! But the lesson was about having a mentor, a strong Christian to follow (much like my fabtabulous link leaders). To be a better Christian by surrounding yourself with those who have walked with God longer. I asked Nathan whom he admires. He answered God. Admirable and wise answer. But I think he's on to our Bible story time and thinks all of our questions must end in the answer God. Sweet, but not genuine, you know? So I started digging deeper. Finally got Daddy out (YES!) and we talked about his church class leaders who are a young couple who are so devoted they are there every Saturday night and have been for the past two years and our pastors. That got me thinking about who I admire and do I let them know it enough? Sometimes I think my pride gets in the way of doing that. Weird, stubborn pride, can't explain it. I think it's because if I'm truly honest with myself it's disappointing to be lacking the qualities those people possess. But now that I've figured it out, I can fight it! So, now I'm thinking not only WHO I admire, but WHAT qualities do I admire in those people? Those are the qualities I want for myself and my own children. If I can't have them for me, how can I instill them in N & B? Here's your actual question(s): Who do you admire? What qualities do you admire in that person/those people and why?

Cake Wrecks

2009-04-25T22:21:00.000-04:00

I just had to post about this website, Cake Wrecks in case you've missed it. You have to check it out if you need a good laugh. I came across it a while ago and I always go to it when I need a really good laugh. It is one of those things that I know will certainly bring tears to my eyes and probably stomach cramps from laughing. I've been laughing a lot tonight. The Easter ones are funny, the Easter Egg one that was brought to you by the letters. . .

The writer of this blog is such a hoot, I wish I was that funny. Some of these cakes are so awful, honestly, who would pay for them? My all time favorite is this one that says, well, just check it out:

Here's what Jen says on her blog about her cake:

"...And underneath that, write 'We will miss you'. Got it?"

Oh yeah, they got it.

This just does me in. I can imagine the phone call, writing it all down and someone putting this on the cake. It cracks me up every time. Jim will look over at me and just shake his head. At first he wondered why tears were flowing down my cheeks, my belly was jiggling and the chair was shaking. He still doesn't quite get why this site makes me laugh so much, but it just does. I must confess that I'm almost afraid to make my boys' cakes now. Although my sister reassures me that Cake Wrecks is about PROFESSIONAL cake decorators so I have nothing to worry about. Still, how do these people consider themselves professional? Does working at the bakery at Walmart make one a professional cake decorator? Hmm, a new job calling?

So, if you're a bit bored or down and in need of a good laugh and can appreciate some unusual humor, head on over to http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/ and enjoy!

GeeGee's Funeral

2009-04-24T22:55:00.000-04:00

We traveled to Orangeburg, SC Tuesday night for my Grandmother's (or GeeGee as the boys call her) funeral. When I was little and my parents said we were going to Orangeburg I would envision an orange city. I don't know how old I was when I realized this wasn't going to happen, but I was quite devastated. For what I can remember, my Grandmother has always lived in Columbia, SC. But my mom was born and raised in Orangeburg. GeeGee didn't move away until she remarried.

Anyway, in telling the boys we were going to Orangeburg, I could almost see Nathan's brain envisioning the same orange town I had envisioned as a child. Should I go ahead and burst his bubble or let him dream up a really cool place? Well, the realist in me told him on the way that Orangeburg is like any other town and I don't know why it's named Orange-burg. It used to have orange patrol cars, but they are even gone now. Perhaps a better mother would have researched the history of the town's name, but I was running on empty by this point so I just went with the facts. He was okay with it.

We were blessed to get to the big O town just as my parents were heading back to my uncle's in Columbia for the day so we had dinner with them. My mom is hurting but knows that GeeGee is so much better off now. It's always so much harder for those of us left behind. We're so selfish that we want our loved ones here. It's not a bad selfishness, it's just a simple fact of who we are as humans. It never gets easier-you want to pick up the phone to check in on them or as my mom said today to ask about a recipe from long ago. Jim wants to ask his dad about sports things and I want to talk to his mom about HSP and how she handled her son having it. Those are things that make losing someone hard. My mom pretty much collapsed in my arms when we got there and I just held her as she told story after story and showed pictures of GeeGee and of my grandfather who's been gone almost 45 years. Oddly enough, there's a bit of a resemblance there-my sisters like to tease me that I don't look like any ONE of our relatives, I'm a great melting pot of all of them.

After dinner we stayed at a great, brand new (less than a month open) Best Western. Sounds great, huh? Enter Brady's allergies to new carpet (coughing all night even with allergy meds), Nathan grinds his teeth in his sleep and Jim snores and my anxiety over seeing family = no sleep for me. After breakfast the boys along with Candi's family decide to take a swim in the indoor pool. Now, when I say indoor, most of you think heated, right? Well, one toe in said NO! My brother in law (whom I adore) said before the one toe entered, "Oh, the water feels great." I'm guessing he was talking about the texture and not the temperature!!! If you'll remember my boys jumped in the Atlantic in March, do you think a cold pool stopped them? Nope, but Candi, Tate and I were sidelined. Then I voted for warm baths and getting ready.

My mom told me something today that was one of the sweetest things she's said. My uncle asked why she was heading to the funeral so early Wednesday morning. She said she wasn't going there, she was coming to the hotel to be with her grandchildren because she knew they would put her in a good mood and make her laugh. Well, if that isn't an answer to our prayers I don't know what is. We prayed for something of this level, that she would see what her grandchildren should mean to her and I think she did. I need to focus on that more if she brings it up again.

At the funeral home, Nathan went in to see GeeGee in the casket. He reached right in, held her hands and rubbed her face. He even flattened her hair!!!! Now, my Grandmother has always used about a can of Aqua Net a day so it was amazing to even see her hair move. I guess they figured she wouldn't need that much in a casket. So there I was having to primp her hair back up like they had it. But the tender touch he had for her was priceless. Then he grabbed Brady and showed her to him. Then Brady grabbed Sarah. It was quite a procession of great grandchildren for GeeGee. At the end of the service we all walked by her to tell her goodbye. Nathan held my mom's hand and was a great help to her. Brady looked at her and said, "Goodbye GeeGee, I love you." And blew her a kiss. We were the last ones in line.

At the gravesite, a few words were said before someone sang Amazing Grace. Nathan's been singing that for a long time now. He knows it all, he doesn't stop at the first stanza. When he hears it there's no stopping him. I whispered in his ear that it was okay if he wanted to sing. So he did, all of it. The entire front row turned around to listen to him. I feel bad for the person actually singing it. There were a few extra tears because a four year old was singing Amazing Grace. I love that Nathan loves that song and holds it in his heart. For a few months I had to sing it to him every night before bed. But it's been about six months since I've done that and he was able to "belt" it out! I'm proud of him for singing it for GeeGee.

Mom said today that Grandma thought none of us, including her children, grandchildren and greats could ever do wrong. I don't know if I believe that because I remember having some conversations with her when her mind was very strong about some things. But whether we could do no wrong or whether she loved us are two different things. I know she loved us with a fullness I don't think I ever understood. I think that distance is a terrible thing for family members and people you love. I think, no, I know I would have loved to have had the chance to have had a grandmother in the sense many people do. I know she wanted more from us than we gave her and for that I am deeply sorry. I don't know how much people get to hear when they're in heaven, but I pray she knows how sorry I am for that. For being in my own world and not doing more to be part of hers. I pray that as much as I want this to be used for my mom I want it to be used for me and my relationships with others.

We started a new series the day GeeGee died called One Month to Live. A few days before the series I challenged my volunteers to live the dash. You know, the time on your tombstone between your birthday and your going home date. Ironic that I would be talking about it the very afternoon my Grandmother got called home. Needless to say my lesson was not inspiring like planned, in fact it was quite a flop. If nothing else, maybe it got the point across that we really need to live the dash. That time matters, it's all we've got. Our son, Harris doesn't even have a dash, just one date to mark his life. So, are you living your dash? Are you making your dash count? Is there something you need to change in your life to make your dash a little deeper, stronger, more meaningful? Does your dash bring glory to God? I'm not being harsh on you, these are questions I'm asking myself as I try to fully live the dash.

Greatest Gift

2009-04-20T21:27:00.000-04:00

Every night Nathan and I do a Mother and Sons devotional while Jim and Brady do a Father and Sons' one. It's been our practice for, well, as long as I can remember. It's got to be my favorite time of the day with Nathan. He's curled up in my lap, tonight all cuddly and sweet smelling after his bath and beyond precious. Tonight's lesson was Peter's healing the paralytic in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Simply beautiful to read and believe. If we're brave enough, we can ask God for anything! He will answer, it may not be the answer we're looking for, but He WILL answer!

After each lesson I am given questions to ask Nathan. The first question tonight was "What was the greatest gift you have ever received?" I'm expecting his answer to be his bike, his leapster, his camera. Something material or maybe even his brother. But he doesn't even blink an eye or take a breath. He says, "Jesus." I become speechless and tearful. I hold him tighter and don't let go, these are the moments I live for, these are the moments I treasure and praise my God for!

I've made countless mistakes in my life, I've messed up more times than I can count. I've done dumb, thoughtless things. I've said things that can never be taken back, unintentionally hurt people. Yes, I've done things that I wish I could take back. But I serve an awesome God who offers love and grace to me. He constantly shows me that love and grace through the beautiful gifts of my children. Jim and I try to impart a love for God in the boys, but in the end, it must all come from their hearts' desires. It feels like Nathan's heart has been captured. I pray he allows God to always hold on and never let go. I pray Nathan never lets go of God's heart for him.

Right now Brady knows that God loves him the most. Just ask him who loves him most and he'll tell you God! You know how hard that is as a parent? To admit that someone else loves your child more than you? Hard, but God does love him more than I ever could. Never thought it was possible. But I am second after Him!!! :)

We're heading to Orangeburg, SC tomorrow for my grandmother's funeral, she passed away yesterday afternoon. Please pray for my family. I am hopeful God will use this as a time of healing for my family.

EASTER

2009-04-14T23:55:00.000-04:00

I totally didn't get a chance to mention Easter here. I told you I get so overwhelmed in the empathy stuff.

As we were heading to church we were discussing the HUGE emphasis the world puts on Christmas. And I truly dislike it. I mean, if it were all focused on the birth of Jesus, then yeah, let's celebrate. But, sorry, folks-Santa is not Christmas for me. Same thinking for Easter, what's the deal with the bunny? I have NEVER understood that. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE bunnies. They're cute and cuddly. I had one for an indoor pet for a while. I love decorative bunnies that can be left out year round (no pastels). I acquired that love from Donna Wester. I adore her bunnies. Anyway, I think I need to do some research into the whole bunny thing.

EASTER is about a risen Christ who died an excruciating death for my sins. His Father (mine, too) offered him as a living sacrifice so that I could live, so that my sins could be forgiven. So that I could have a relationship with Him. I don't see a bunny in there. I see pain and suffering so I can be free. Free and filled with hope, love and grace. Oh, beautiful sweet grace!

I don't see the world putting a bigger emphasis on the birth of Jesus or his death. I do see our family putting a bigger emphasis on it. We made Resurrection Cookies again this year. It was our best year yet and I have hope that each year will get better as the boys understand more and more. Nathan got a very good understanding this year when he tasted the vinegar. He didn't want to at first, but then said, "If Jesus can do it, then so can I." All I could hear in my head were the lyrics, "I want to be more like Him because he wants to be more like me." How badly do I want to be more like Jesus so my children will be more like Him and want to serve Him? I pray to be a mom worthy of my boys...

Easter-no bunny. A cross, a vividly painful reminder of a beautiful sacrifice for my sins. What's your Easter?

Holy Empathy!

2009-04-14T22:04:00.000-04:00

So when I got my awesome amazing job at St. Mark's the first thing Jarm asked me to do (actually before I knew I even had the job) was to take this strength's finder's test. Whoa, me, a test? I totally FREAK when I hear the word test. I mean, FREAK! DMV be warned, I am amazed I have a license because I seriously get so freaked out about having to take a test. Anyway, imagine how freaked out I was about a test for a potential job. I take the test freakishly and end up with my results. One of my strengths/curses is empathy. Webster defines empathy as "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner ; also : the capacity for this." Yep, I passed that test. This explains why my heart aches for people so much and hopefully explains why I can so easily tear up about events or situations.

Right now, my parents are in SC with my grandmother. Some of you know that my family defines dysfunctional in all caps, look for our picture in your dictionary. Probably one of the reasons I put my boys on top of just about everything in my life (after God and Jim). I don't want them writing about having a dysfunctional family in their blog in a few years! :) Here's where my heartwrenching empathy enters today. I can most likely count on my extremities the number of times I remember having seen my grandmother in my 31 years of living. In the past two years she's been living in an assisted living home. We received a call two years ago that she had been given three months to live due to liver disease. We all went down there to essentially say our goodbyes. That was two years ago. I made a conscious effort to call my grandmother every Wednesday on my way home from work. When you don't have a relationship with someone, that's challenging. We would talk about the weather, the boys and how she was feeling. After about a year of calling, she either stopped answering or was asleep or just not there. I'll shamefully admit that I stopped calling weekly. What was the point in trying to establish a relationship after 30 years? Now here we are to today when I got the call from my mom that Grandma was in a coma and to not get worked up about it until she got down there and figured everything out. Alrighty then. So I waited until Daddy called me tonight. She's out of the coma, but is unresponsive and is making sounds constantly. She's now in Hospice care at a Hospice Hospital. My mom got on the phone and she is heartbroken. My mom and I have not had a great relationship for the past few months, but for some reason I am the daughter she reached out to today. Does she know about my empathy curse? She just stabbed it. I can hear the pain in my mom's voice and it just about kills me to not jump in the car and drive to SC to be with her despite the lack of relationship I have with my mom or my grandmother. My heart aches for my dad who is there trying to support my mom in her suffering while I bombard him with questions about my grandmother's care he can't answer. I want to fix everything for everyone and I can't and my heart physically hurts. I hurt because I long for a relationship with my grandmother like other people have and I long for relationship with my mom and a relationship for my boys to have with her. I pray that God will use this hurt for good. That He will allow my sisters and me to be courageous enough to speak up and ask for a better relationship, if not for us, for our children. I know God uses our hurts for His good.

My empathy is overwhelming at times and right now it has taken over. It's even hard to pray when this happens and that's exactly what I should be doing! There are so many of my friends and family who are hurting right now. I'll ask if you're reading this to please pray for these people:

Sarah Browder-my grandmother, may God take her home soon to help her find peace

Frances Tucker-amazing grandmother to my niece and nephew courageously battling cancer again

Julia Scavo-sweet girl with Wilms tumor just beginning chemo

Jim Russell-cancer is shrinking (met his wife through SPF!)

Caroline Brower-pneumonia after lots of other infections

John Clark-grandmother passed away

Andy Lamb-MRI scheduled for tomorrow for back pain, PTL he returned safely from mission trip overseas

My list could go on, but these are situations that are happening right now. I think I'll keep prayer requests on here. It always helps to know you're praying, too!

On a much lighter note-Brady is changing his name to "SOUP." If you ask him something and he doesn't know the answer or he wants to be silly his response is soup. So in the spirit of silliness, I asked him if he wanted to change his name to Soup and he said yes. That little bugger is the funniest thing, if you're in need of a laugh, stop by. You're guaranteed one with him. He's also renamed his knees "freckles." This is all my fault because he has the cutest freckles on his knees that I always ask him what they are and he says freckles so cutely. I guess he thought I was calling his knees freckles. He's got adorable freckles that spring up on his nose, too! What a cutie! We've got some work to do with that!! :)

I was brought to tears last week by a shoe box. I got to work last Monday and found a shoe box from an amazing couple on my desk. Inside were a pair of cleats for Nathan. I had told her Nathan's soccer story and she is so awesome (you wouldn't believe how awesome this couple is, really, unbelievably awesome) she bought him cleats. I don't know why we didn't-ignorance, doubt, cheapskates? I don't know, but if anyone had been at my house when I came home from work to go to Nathan's soccer game Monday night you would have bought him cleats (or clunks as he first called them), too. My child is precious to me. Here's his story that prompted the gift of cleats:

Coming home from Nathan's third soccer game Nathan asked us if he could get some of those shoes like some of the other kids were wearing. Hmm, what a blow. We knew it was coming at some point. Nathan and Brady and Jim have Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (http://sp-foundation.org/). This makes moving from their hips down a bit different from the rest of us. In talking with his physical therapist, we decided this season (his first) we would keep his AFOs (leg braces) on and wear his normal shoes that go with them. I have to tell you that when he was sitting on the bench for some of the first game, one of his teammates looked at his AFOs and said, "I need some shinguards like those." Cool! Of course, they're only four! Four year old soccer is a bunch of kids running after the ball maybe towards the net, maybe not. Nathan was smiling the entire time he was on the field, even though he was often way behind his teammates or on the ground. It was fun to watch. Back to his question.

Me: "Well, Nathan, you only have a few more games left. How about next season we get you some?"

N: "I think I wouldn't fall as much if I had them, the other kids don't fall as much."

OUCH! Yep, folks, my heart split in two. I am so thankful to have been in the front seat where he wasn't watching me!

Jim: "Cleats are hard to run in buddy, even I have a hard time in them. Next season okay, then it won't be as hard because you'll be older and you won't fall as much."

Hmm, not the answer I would have gone after, but okay. It appeased him.

Next game, Saturday morning, I'm dressing him.

N: "Mom, do you think we have time before the game to go to the store to get some of those other shoes? You know, the ones like the other kids?"

Me: "Honestly buddy, you know we are almost never on time for anything and today is picture day. So no, we don't have time."

N: "Okay."

Knife inserted into heart and twisted just a bit more.

Then Monday I get to work to find a box with brand new cleats in his size that fit perfectly with his AFOs, a rare feat, trust me!! That in itself is next to impossible. I am so blessed and my child was so happy. He was practically floating on the field. Did he fall any more or any less? Just about the same. Did it matter? No, it was priceless for him to feel normal. Why didn't we think to do that? When did he start growing up and realizing these things? It will be way too soon that he'll start realizing he doesn't walk like others and he doesn't run as fast and that the ground meets his face more than others. I want to keep his innocence as long as I can. But I know I can't. THAT breaks my heart. Yet I know his heart and I know who God is making him to be and I'm so thankful for that. I also know that we are blessed with two incredible little men God has loaned to us for a while. I only pray He guides me along the way, it's been awesome so far!

Where to start?

2009-04-08T01:20:00.000-04:00

When starting a blog, where do you start? With what happened today or with what got you where you are, why you're even blogging? I'll start there and we'll see where that leads me.

I thought I would blog about my personal journey this year to develop the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faith, self-control. This is only done by spending more time with our Father, it's the work of the Holy Spirit in us. As much as my family will appreciate the benefits of this, you guys may not enjoy reading about it as much!

So my next journey is about my struggles with my weight and self image and my current attempt at weight loss. Our recent series with our students has been titled "Scarred." We asked our students to share how they've been scarred and I was too ashamed/embarrassed/afraid to share mine, so why not now?! Growing up I was always bigger than my older sisters. This was nice at first because it had its advantages, but then my parents would make comments about my weight. Even saying I could be so much prettier if I just lost some of that weight and making beeping noises when I backed up. This doesn't help anyone. I also dated someone who was harsh on me about my weight and what I ate. He was very cruel about every bit of food I put in my mouth. This kind of abuse caused me to feel worse about myself. So my self image has been brutally scarred. Even marrying an incredible man who could care less what the scale says has not healed those scars. So after having three amazing children in three years, my body is under attack-by me! I'm determined to treat my body as the sanctuary God made it to be. He loves this body He created and wants me to love it to. So my goals are to lose weight in a healthy way and love my body along the way. Just writing this has been helpful in healing that scar. Thanks!

But my main reason for starting a blog is to share about the most amazing gifts I have received, Nathan and Brady. I am constantly humbled that God would trust me to care for His children for a while. I feel so inadequate and incapable and when I do, I pray for His guidance and praise Him for putting some truly incredible people in my life to help me along this journey of motherhood.

Five years ago Jim and I were a broken couple. We were struggling to find hope. We knew it was out there and we had the promise of it from our Father, but sometimes, it's so hard to know it.

Lamentations 3:21-25 says "and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him to the one who seeks Him."

He is good, so good because it was five years ago that I was writing letters letting our friends know we were going to be expecting another miracle in December. Our hearts were still broken after Harris died. Part of our hearts will always be missing, but God gave us hope. He gave us Nathan and Brady and I cannot imagine what life was like before them and I never want to know a day without them.

They are amazing children. They are what this blog will be about-with the exception of living my life for God and being Jim's wife, they are what my life is about. Not my struggles, I'm a pretty boring person. But my children, my gifts from God who are truly inspiring. Don't get me wrong, you'll catch a glimpse of my life and the joy I get from being their mom and from doing what I get paid to do (hate calling it work because I LOVE it).

Well, l think this is a good place to start. If you're reading this and I don't post again soon, let me know about it!!! :)